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15 June 2009 @ 11:58 am
This is just a vent...take from it what you will  
I'm a bit afraid of saying something here where you may read it and get the wrong idea about me and about this whole situation. Please just let me vent and don't let it get weird.

I know it's only been a week. It's still a fresh wound for me. I've done my absolute best to keep myself busy. I've gone out every night for the last 5 nights. Granted, I've drank the last five night as well...nothing crazy though. Only one crazy night that I wish didn't happen. I miss you terribly. I miss us terribly. A huge part of my heart is missing and I'm not sure there is something to fill that void. I bet you probably get over things a lot quicker especially because you wanted this for a lot longer than I ever did. I'm still in love with you. I think about you every day. Not every moment of every day, but enough. Enough times so I don't forget you and us. There is a part of me that is hoping you take this time, do your thing, see your girls, be single, have fun...but I want to be that girl you meet again and really like again once we start actually spending time together next year. You said I'm not a bad person, as you put it "a good girl". I want to be with you. I don't want to erase all of this or forget our differences because it only makes us stronger. What I would like though is for us to hang out. For us to be friends. For us to get to know each other again. Leave all the assumptions alone and give each other another chance in the realm of being good people. Not necessarily another chance in a relationship, although I'm sure I'll fall in love with you again.

It was so nice to hear your voice today. I don't want you to think I'm going to stalk you or call every day or bother you. Please don't think that talking to me is going to make things worse because not talking is going to make things harder for me. I want us to be honest with each other. Yes, we are over. But do you still have feelings for me? Any at all?

And one more thing I won't lie about...the plans we made for when you get up here. The fun, the adventures, the ***capades...a little part of me still wants it to happen. Even if it's no strings attached. I want to be able to kiss you again. I want to be able to hug you again. Even if its for one last time. Because we broke up over the internet I almost feel like I got no closure. No last goodbye.

God I'm still hung up on you and I know you don't want me to be. I wonder about the key chain you bought me and you got it saying I was "your ******* girl". You giving that to someone else? The shirt you got me saying fight for love. You giving that to someone else? I have so much around me that reminds me of you it's hard to let you go. I wear your pjs every night to bed (mostly because I haven't done laundry yet).

You may have entertained other girls already, even if its just talking. I understand...it's easier to get over someone when there is someone else to occupy your mind. I wouldn't hate you for that. You're human and I'm sorry that I never treated you like it. I treated you like this superman that should've made all my dreams come true. I was stuck and over the last few months I realize my mistakes. really realize them. There's nothing I can do to undo them and the same goes for you. I am so willing to forgive. I wish you could forgive me too. I wish we could start up again. Have something to look forward to in each other. And the physical side of me wishes we could delve into the world of possibilities we describe to each other. You used to make me feel so good all the time, I want to do that for you. Even if it's just that for now. or for always. You are so important to me.

Please stay with me.

Again: I'm not trying to persuade you or make you feel bad. It's just a vent. Granted I mean what I'm saying...if you reading this you feel like us being friends isn't going to be a good idea, it's going to crush me. I will take what I can. Take what you give me. If all i get is a 5 minute phone call once a year...i'll take it. i love you. and I miss you.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed