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10 June 2009 @ 11:02 am
One for the road...  
Well in turn he blocked me in every source of communicating with him and ignored my e-mail. I understand that he may be upset at me because of the manner in which i handled a situation. THE situation that sparked the break-up. Not saying that he or I didn't entertain the idea of breaking up...but if I never did what I did (a silly IM conversation as a different person....very infantile of me) we would have had a half hearted short convo until he told me he was tired and needed to go to bed. Short and sweet. I'm not writing this and thinking "what if?" It all happened for a reason. He sees me as poison, a hand grenade (as he so eloquently put it). I'm emotional, yes. And that is what bothered him. I was lied to time and time again over the dumbest things. I was disregarded and disrespected time and time again. But my love for him overcame it all. Love would conquer all, i thought. Not this time.

Long story short: he doesn't love me. I need to get over him. Yes, we had fun. Yes, I fell madly in love with him to the point I would do anything for him. Yes, I pictured a future for the two of us. It will all no longer be. DONE.

Next year will be interesting. If you are reading this pat, know that I am okay. I'll be okay. I'm a big girl who has been hurt worse. It all hurts a lot because of how I feel for you but it will all be okay. I hope you find someone who makes you happy. I hope you find true love. But before all that, I hope I find it first. Not saying it's a game...but I feel so broken inside right now I just want this feeling to go away.

You had my heart. Now I just want it back with all the pieces in tact. I want to be able to call you my friend. Look back at all of this and think "we gave it a shot. it wasn't meant to be." I want to be able to laugh about the times we had. I want to be able to call you my friend. We never had that part of the relationship. We were never friends first. If things go well, I want to be able to call you my best friend. I love you Patrick and I just want to have you as a part of my life. You matter a lot to me. I want next year to be fun. I want next year to be filled with smiles and good times. I want you to be a part of my life. my current and past.

Please don't blow me off. I'll give you your space. Plenty, as I know I won't be seeing you until we are all moving in. Know that you have a place to stay (platonically). I work a crazy schedule that you would just have my apartment as a place to crash. I know you will choose otherwise, I just want you to know that I know that we are done. and I respect you for it.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative