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09 July 2008 @ 03:28 pm
Up and Down Up and Down I will lead you up and Down...  
Up and Down. Up and Down. I've been led Up and Down.

Well...Things are going. up and down.
Patrick and I have been okay. We fight about stupid shit. Shit that doesn't need to be fought about. He just doesn't think and I think too much. Perfect pair, eh? I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore. We've been dating for a short while and I feel like he's had enough. I mean I know we have seen each other every day since he's been back. I also understand that people need time to themselves. I get all of that. Shit I feel that way completely...but I mean he doesn't know how to go about it in a nice way. I felt like shit yesterday. Since I woke up. I just felt like everything was boring/mechanical with him. It felt like I was an obligation and not a privilege. I don't like feeling that way.

I feel that way because I want him to show that he cares. Telling me "I love you" does not solve everything. Showing me he cares does more than three silly words that could be in vain. I would much rather someone show me that I'm their everything other than saying that phrase thinking it will solve everything.
I want him to fight for me. I want him to want me. but...by me pushing it. It won't happen.
I need to back off and leave him alone.

I won't see him for the rest of the ...well until he wants to see me. I will do self reflection in that time by myself. Plus my mom will be home...so I'm sure I will be busy because of her.
I won't call. He'll call me. I won't pry. I won't try. anymore.

My moms been in St. Croix for the last two weeks. In that time I made it a point to see Patrick as much as I could because I knew once my mom was back in town I would be a prisoner in the house. I may have went over board with Patrick. I think both he and his family are sick of me. I will stay away. I know I'll make some people happy.

I had a job interview and got the job. I decided not to take it. It was a direct marketing job. I didnt like the whole up and down of driving and walking. I need a simple, stress free job. I will continue to look.

I hate that I am a really jealous person. I am also very threatened by Patrick's ex girlfriends. He has cheated and he has let other girls get in the way. That scares me to the core. I wish he would do more to assure me that I have nothing to worry about than just say "Sorry you feel that way." I feel like a fucktard.

Maybe I just need to be alone in my life. I will forever have these characteristics/fears in my personality. There is little that I could do to change it.

I just want to be happy.
Right now...I'm not.
I'm miserable to say the least.
Current Location: alone.
Current Mood: melancholymiserable