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28 October 2009 @ 08:25 pm
Wow...It's been a while. LOTS has happened between the last entry and now.
Patrick and I got back together...and we recently broke up. again. This time around it feels so right. It was this inevitable feeling that just left me with proper closure. We are still great friends and clearly see each other on a regular basis (since we live in the same house). Speaking of the house, it's full of many asians and boozing. We have had a good time for the most part. The three couples that have gone into the house has left us with one couple left. Kannica and Tatchi also broke up shortly after moving in. Some may blame it on the fact that couples moved in with one another, but honestly...in both relationships...it was time. I can only really speak for Pat and I but we gave it our best shot. We tried time and time again and we just didn't seem to truly click in ALL the right ways. But like I said, he is a great friend and I still really enjoy his company.

Onto other things. I've made a new friend. Her name is Lara. Yay for more lady friends!She's been really great about the break-up (yes, I actually was sad when I broke up with Patrick...I did date him for almost two years and love him very much...it was saddening) Last weekend was a great weekend. I met a lot of new people and was in a different atmosphere completely. I took a break from the house and stayed with Lara for like 4 days. I really needed it.

Just a quick catch up from where I left of (aside from Pat and I breaking up). Summer was fun. It was full of ups and downs for me. I met lots of good people and had a good time. Pat and I enjoyed the time we spend together (for the most part) and were both excited about moving into the house. That's really it now that I think about it. I still work at the Huntington, but now I help Naheem teach Codman 9th grade on Fridays. I also intern at Club Oberon (www.cluboberon.com) which is a lot of fun. That's really it.

I don't want to sound cocky or anything...because to be honest...I'm not very good at being conceited. I'm not saying I have more self esteem issues than the normal girl...but I just am not used to guys being actively interested in me. Enough of that...let's just say, things are good and I'm happy and have good friends (new and old). I'm just trying to keep busy and prepare for life after college...oh and turning 21. Which has taken way too fucking long to arrive. About one more month left. Gahhhh! I can't wait.
Current Location: Tsai
Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: Music from Ed Gazouleas and Pei-Shan Lee
30 June 2009 @ 07:06 am
I really needed that closure. I feel so good moving on now. So much better.
Notgonnalie, I've enjoyed the single life lately. I go out ALL the time and spend time with a lot of fun people. It's been pretty great. I go to Florida in two days and hopefully I will be able to see some old highschool friends then come back and pick up where I left off in Boston--partying and working hard.

I don't need you. I don't need to feel wanted by you any longer. I can't wait to find someone that will actually love me back. It actually excites me.
Current Mood: mellowmellow
I'm a bit afraid of saying something here where you may read it and get the wrong idea about me and about this whole situation. Please just let me vent and don't let it get weird.

I know it's only been a week. It's still a fresh wound for me. I've done my absolute best to keep myself busy. I've gone out every night for the last 5 nights. Granted, I've drank the last five night as well...nothing crazy though. Only one crazy night that I wish didn't happen. I miss you terribly. I miss us terribly. A huge part of my heart is missing and I'm not sure there is something to fill that void. I bet you probably get over things a lot quicker especially because you wanted this for a lot longer than I ever did. I'm still in love with you. I think about you every day. Not every moment of every day, but enough. Enough times so I don't forget you and us. There is a part of me that is hoping you take this time, do your thing, see your girls, be single, have fun...but I want to be that girl you meet again and really like again once we start actually spending time together next year. You said I'm not a bad person, as you put it "a good girl". I want to be with you. I don't want to erase all of this or forget our differences because it only makes us stronger. What I would like though is for us to hang out. For us to be friends. For us to get to know each other again. Leave all the assumptions alone and give each other another chance in the realm of being good people. Not necessarily another chance in a relationship, although I'm sure I'll fall in love with you again.

It was so nice to hear your voice today. I don't want you to think I'm going to stalk you or call every day or bother you. Please don't think that talking to me is going to make things worse because not talking is going to make things harder for me. I want us to be honest with each other. Yes, we are over. But do you still have feelings for me? Any at all?

And one more thing I won't lie about...the plans we made for when you get up here. The fun, the adventures, the ***capades...a little part of me still wants it to happen. Even if it's no strings attached. I want to be able to kiss you again. I want to be able to hug you again. Even if its for one last time. Because we broke up over the internet I almost feel like I got no closure. No last goodbye.

God I'm still hung up on you and I know you don't want me to be. I wonder about the key chain you bought me and you got it saying I was "your ******* girl". You giving that to someone else? The shirt you got me saying fight for love. You giving that to someone else? I have so much around me that reminds me of you it's hard to let you go. I wear your pjs every night to bed (mostly because I haven't done laundry yet).

You may have entertained other girls already, even if its just talking. I understand...it's easier to get over someone when there is someone else to occupy your mind. I wouldn't hate you for that. You're human and I'm sorry that I never treated you like it. I treated you like this superman that should've made all my dreams come true. I was stuck and over the last few months I realize my mistakes. really realize them. There's nothing I can do to undo them and the same goes for you. I am so willing to forgive. I wish you could forgive me too. I wish we could start up again. Have something to look forward to in each other. And the physical side of me wishes we could delve into the world of possibilities we describe to each other. You used to make me feel so good all the time, I want to do that for you. Even if it's just that for now. or for always. You are so important to me.

Please stay with me.

Again: I'm not trying to persuade you or make you feel bad. It's just a vent. Granted I mean what I'm saying...if you reading this you feel like us being friends isn't going to be a good idea, it's going to crush me. I will take what I can. Take what you give me. If all i get is a 5 minute phone call once a year...i'll take it. i love you. and I miss you.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
What is there to say about last night? Holy hell. I had a lot of fun from what I can remember. God only knows about the rest.

Thanks for responding to my post. I know it was initially my idea but immediately as it was done there was no "undo your own stupidity" button and you became out of reach. It's not that I wanted to talk to you every day or night or whatever. I just wanted to be able to know that we are still friends through all of this. I wish you well. Have a safe trip back to the U.S. of A. Hopefully we will be able to talk when you get back. And know the offer still stands if you need a place to stay while in Boston before we all move into the apartment for the year. I won't make it awkward. Do what you will. :)Despite all of this, I still do miss you. Not in the longing lovers way, but in the man I miss Patrick because he's fun and nice to talk to way. Get excited for next year!! :)
Current Mood: sickhungover
12 June 2009 @ 02:42 pm
I really hope this doesn't last the whole summer. I really hope he talks to me before we all move in. This blocking thing is really hard for me...and it's kind of mean. I know he doesn't want to talk to me and maybe blocking me is helping him, but my goodness, does he not realize that all of our shit is packed up together? does he not realize that we will have to communicate and be civil with one another for a whole year (or at least a semester)? I hope he doesn't look at me as a complete waste of his life the last year because it hasn't been like that for me. I've learned a lot about what i want in life, who i want in life and what kind of life i would like. Patrick you are a good person. You've made me smile. You've made me laugh. You've made me happy. I hope you can say the same for me. I know we've had more downs than ups, but those moments together (sexual or not) were heartwarming. We did a lot for each other. We brought the best out of each other. We helped each other. We know each other well.

Let's be friends please. I don't think it's fair that we loved each other, we were together for so long and you just erase that by blocking me. it saddens me a lot. I am moving on with the idea of us ever being together. It all still saddens me, but I think we should be able to talk to each other. Friends talk. I just want to be your friend.
10 June 2009 @ 11:02 am
Well in turn he blocked me in every source of communicating with him and ignored my e-mail. I understand that he may be upset at me because of the manner in which i handled a situation. THE situation that sparked the break-up. Not saying that he or I didn't entertain the idea of breaking up...but if I never did what I did (a silly IM conversation as a different person....very infantile of me) we would have had a half hearted short convo until he told me he was tired and needed to go to bed. Short and sweet. I'm not writing this and thinking "what if?" It all happened for a reason. He sees me as poison, a hand grenade (as he so eloquently put it). I'm emotional, yes. And that is what bothered him. I was lied to time and time again over the dumbest things. I was disregarded and disrespected time and time again. But my love for him overcame it all. Love would conquer all, i thought. Not this time.

Long story short: he doesn't love me. I need to get over him. Yes, we had fun. Yes, I fell madly in love with him to the point I would do anything for him. Yes, I pictured a future for the two of us. It will all no longer be. DONE.

Next year will be interesting. If you are reading this pat, know that I am okay. I'll be okay. I'm a big girl who has been hurt worse. It all hurts a lot because of how I feel for you but it will all be okay. I hope you find someone who makes you happy. I hope you find true love. But before all that, I hope I find it first. Not saying it's a game...but I feel so broken inside right now I just want this feeling to go away.

You had my heart. Now I just want it back with all the pieces in tact. I want to be able to call you my friend. Look back at all of this and think "we gave it a shot. it wasn't meant to be." I want to be able to laugh about the times we had. I want to be able to call you my friend. We never had that part of the relationship. We were never friends first. If things go well, I want to be able to call you my best friend. I love you Patrick and I just want to have you as a part of my life. You matter a lot to me. I want next year to be fun. I want next year to be filled with smiles and good times. I want you to be a part of my life. my current and past.

Please don't blow me off. I'll give you your space. Plenty, as I know I won't be seeing you until we are all moving in. Know that you have a place to stay (platonically). I work a crazy schedule that you would just have my apartment as a place to crash. I know you will choose otherwise, I just want you to know that I know that we are done. and I respect you for it.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
02 June 2009 @ 12:33 am
I will use every medium I can to let him know.

I miss Patrick.
31 May 2009 @ 11:26 pm
So I've been feeling like shit lately and last night a fever developed. I took Advil in hopes it would subside, but today it went up to 103 degrees. I had to be admitted to the ER because I was so fatigued and just in bad shape. Lots of things have been taking a toll on me emotionally and I just think I need a break from it all or just finally someone to tell me what is really in store. I'm literally falling apart.

While at the hospital I was checked for Swine Flu, Pneumonia and the good, ol' fashioned Lupus Flare. It was none of those. I just had a stress induced fatigue attack, as well as a virus that caused nasal bleeding and other awkward flu like symptoms. I was in the hospital for 5 hours. Now I am out. I still feel like shit, but my fever is down and I was prescribed various drugs. I guess all will be well.

I feel like I haven't sincerely smiled in a while. I've been none too happy. It doesn't help that I've been slowly falling apart, but I've also felt miserable. I just want to have someone make me smile and mean it. That's all. All the stresses of being ill, my family life, my relationship with Patrick has all taken a toll on me. I just want someone to tell me that I make them happy. That all my caring isn't in vein. I think I'm just depressed. After everything. even therapy. I just want someone to go out of their way and make me smile. make me happy.

one of these days.
Current Mood: sicksick
I woke, dreaming we had broke
dreaming you left me
for someone new
and you cried, drying those brown eyes
crying you're sorry
sorry won't do, but
this is the way i need to wake
i wake to you
and you never left me, all that I'd dreamt had been untrue
open my eyes, i see sky
oh oh, oh oh, you know
the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I, I, will be fine
just say you'll stay forever mine
til we fall asleep tonight

Last night, we had a great fight
I fell asleep in
a horrible state

Then dreamt that you loved my best friend
my heart would not mend
seemed it was fate but
this is the way i need to wake
i wake to you
and you never left me
all that I'd dreamt had been untrue
open my eyes, i see sky
oh oh, oh oh you know the way to keep me on my toes
i,i, i... will be fine
just say you'll stay forever mine
til we fall asleep tonight

Sometimes i forget to love you
Like i should, love you like I should
But i'd never leave you no I never would I never would
oh oh oh oh you know the way to keep me on my toes
i, i, i... will be fine
just say you'll stay forever mine
oh oh oh oh you know the way to keep me on my toes
i, i, i... will be fine
I will be fine
just say you'll stay forever mine.
til we fall asleep tonight
til we fall... asleep... tonight

"Sky" by Joshua Radin feat. Ingrid Michaelson

Ingrid knows how to cheer me up. always and forever.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: youtube videos
21 May 2009 @ 06:43 pm
Beached it. Worked it. Ate it.

The three main things I did today are that of the above. I went to Revere Beach for the first time. It's nothing special or fancy but its a beach. I went with Chris and Mike (The lovely couple) and we walked on the beach, tanned and played on the shore. Too bad my and Mike's camera were dead. I also sported a new bathing suit I bought from Urban. It's cute and red and reminds me of a 50s pin up girl bathing suit. I also got some tanning in. Yay for cancer! We plan on going to the beach at least once a week this summer.

Right after we headed straight to the gym. That was exhilirating and my regimen has officially begun. Jason, Mike and Chris joined me at the gym.

I just came back from eating dinner and I had a delicious salad. I think I've officially just became obsessed with salads again.

So the plan for tonight is to watch "So you think you can dance?" and then pass out. Tomorrow is another adventure and I will probably see Spring Awakening again tomorrow night with Mike, Chris and Tracy (if she doesn't bail again). I also have my final evaluation for Citi Center (my previous internship teaching).

I can't wait to get my first paycheck. I need money. And I need a second job. UGH.

Love you Pat McPatterson.
Current Mood: accomplished
20 May 2009 @ 12:18 am

Yay! I got it. It's pretty and not shitting all over itself like my last one! YAY!
I don't have work tomorrow until 3:30pm so I will be staying up late playing with my computer and adding all the crap that I need. I also tried out my built in webcam/speakers and yay it's fun. I talked to Eric and Kannica. This is fun. It's nice to actually have an out loud conversation and see their face like they are there with you. I can't wait to see Patrick's face.

So as of now I am adding stuff while talking to people and will be watching a movie via Netflix shortly. If I don't get to talk to you baby, sleep tight. Love you.
Current Mood: chipperchipper
18 May 2009 @ 11:08 pm
So I moved into Warren today but no computer :(

The move was irritating and long. I hate living in the dorms. Communal bathrooms...disgusting. But it's only for about 2 1/2 weeks. I think I can live. I'm happy I'm with a roommate. Now it's someone to talk to when I get home as well as someone to hang out with. I get lonely a lot.

Today Anna (my roommate) and I went to Mission Hill to some BBQ of this guy she likes. It was all these Wentworth and Mass Art kids there. It was alright...like a fatty I stood near the food table, drank beer and munched on guacamole. I talked to some people but mostly Anna. We both felt a bit awkward. Hey, at least we got free food out of the event.

Today's weather has been ridiculous. It's so COLD. then in two days it will be 93 degrees. crazy.

I also hung out with Ricky and Jason last night. The dinner with Andrea fell through (as per usual) so Jason and I went to the North End. Oh man, I wanna go back there and eat at those restuarants. It's SO nice. Pat, when you get back we are going...it's really nice and beautiful. Ricky and I made steak, mashed potatoes, and fresh corn on the cob for dinner then all three of us scarfed it down (it was Jason and my first meal of the day). Watched South Park and smoked hookah. just relaxed. Then went home to pack for 3 hours and then sleep horribly until today. I'm just anxious for my computer.

So I officially start work tomorrow. womp womp. But this week my schedule really isn't that bad. So I will be going to the gym and sleeping/hanging out.

Question for Patrick: I've been looking at other apartments (like I've mentioned in our previous on line conversation) no apartment I have found gives me as good a deal as living in the house with everyone. Will it jeopardize our relationship if I stay in the house? I will continue to look but the likelihood of me finding anything in a decent neighborhood and at a reasonable distance to campus is slim. I know you worry about next year and the housing situation. I know my words are only words, but since we will be in our own rooms and with our own space I don't think it will be like this year. I'm working on backing off. When you get around to reading this, let me know.

Oh and another little tidbit, I start therapy on Wednesday. I'm excited but terrified.
Gotta hit the hay. Work tomorrow.
I miss and love you Patrick.
Current Mood: tiredtired
17 May 2009 @ 09:56 am
I'm glad you are safe in China. Sounds exciting thus far. Sleep well.

I had another terrible dream last night. This time I woke up crying. It all felt so real that I am kind of scared to go back to sleep.

I'm a little upset about the way/mood Patrick left the U.S./last time we spoke feeling about me. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I feel like a huge fuck up.
My dream last night has woken me up in a funk. I want today to be a good day.

My nose has already profusely bled everywhere. I have dried up tears all over my face. But on a happy note, my internship teaching is officially done. So now I only have my summer job#1 to worry about. I plan on getting another job to keep my mind busy, but no one has gotten back to me.

I move into Warren tomorrow and my job will officially begin. I also should be getting my new computer tomorrow. That's pretty exciting. So as it seems, today is a day of grieving. Tomorrow should be better. i hope.

I miss and love you Patrick.
say and mean that you love me.
The beginning of the positive. I don't want to wallow and be depressed all the time. And I won't be (or try really hard not to be). So here is the sitch:
-I'm hurt and want to put the broken pieces back together.
-Although I am hurt, I love you more than my words can express.
-Because I love you and you say you love me, I want to really FEEL it. I know I'm the pain in the ass that always questions but after the "naked game" incident it makes it hard for those words and the meaning to come back from that.
-I guess what I'm saying is I need a constant reminder. I would like to know and you to tell the world (ESPECIALLY EX [cunty whore] GIRLFRIENDS) who I am to you and how you love me (if that's how you feel). If you are willing to share it with everyone especially people you respect and talk to often it gives me some sort of validation. Your words solely can't do that anymore. They did before...but before you told me you loved me after you asked some skank ho to get naked for you. The words meaning kind of just went down the drain.

That is all. I just want you to go out of your way to let me know. I know you hate being "told what to do" but if you constantly ask "how do I fix it" and I give you ideas of solutions you can't be mad. I just want to be happy with you. I'm not asking that for the rest of the relationship (if we get that far) you must do these things. I just want to feel secure again. Build a foundation of trust and not break it. I want to feel truly loved. If you wonder when those times were...take an hour or two and actually READ through my livejournal. Get to know me. Remember when you wanted to be "friends" and start there in the getting to know each other process...well once upon a time I wrote a lot in my livejournal. Especially throughout this relationship. Take time, maybe an evening, and just read. Let me know your thoughts. I know reading through a teenage girl's journal is not your idea of a good time, but if my words and telling you are annoying (or maybe it's the sound/tone of my voice) my words on screen shouldn't be a problem. I've sat and read through your journal...It's actually helped me understand you. I don't think you realize (even with few words) how you can capture how you feel and make it clear to a reader.

I hope you have a safe trip to China and are able to read this when you land and after you sleep from jet lag, eat for dinner and spend time with family. Please know (like I always say) that I love you. "Love", the word I mean, is such a strong word to me and I do not take it lightly. Patrick, I love you. Despite it all, I love you. I do not think you are a bad person. i just think you don't think and make selfish choices which hurt and would ruin or alter someone's love for you. I just want to go back to the days where you used to solely text me or aim me just to say how you are falling in love with me more and more each day. I want to get that late at night phone call after your night is all done just to say goodnight. I want to know or feel like I'm on your mind. You are always on mine. No matter what I'm doing, who I'm with...you are always on my mind. I know men don't really work that way (thank you "Average American Male") but when I happen to pop up in your mind, drop me a line and let me know. I look forward to you or just hearing from you everyday--it's generally the highlight of my day.

As much as it seems like I was about to end this entry, I want to make some things clear...I'm not sure why I want to do this because you are really the only person that reads this. So the more I think about it, I shouldn't have to make things clear. I shouldn't have to make clear that I am my own person. I make my own choices. I live my own life. I like my own things. I pursue my own goals. I am not nothing without you, but I feel like something special when I'm with you and when you treat me right. I just know that loving and being loved is a wonderful thing and I can genuinely share it with you. I want to genuinely share it with you. and no one else.

Let's be friends. Let's be lovers. Let's be together. I want to be able to call you my best friend. I want to be able to feel like no matter what I do (or you do) it won't be a "make or break" for us.
Current Mood: calmcalm
i hope it wasn't me that offended you. i love you and i just feel like second to whats important to you. sorry after all this shit that i'm needy. i need to feel like i didn't fuck up.

its just such a crappy feeling to know that I've been purposely hurt and then hated on because of it. please don't be offended. I love you. If i've ever loved anyone or anything it's been you. you have my fucking heart. if not my heart my whole everything else...which on top of my heart you DO have my everything else. please don't hate me and please bother call me when you can before you become completely unreachable for a month then fall off the face of my life for the month later.

I'm just bitter/hurt and scared...i love you and want to make sure you feel the same...I would do anything for you. I just can't help if I'm hurt because you hurt me. aside from that...I know this may sound like a crazy...but I'm excited to come back from this and more in love than ever. I want to be able to love you and not feel like you will go to Katie or someone else. I want to be able to feel secure in this relationship. I love you so much it's ridiculous. i just want to be able to hold you in my arms and kiss you all over and tell you/ show you how much love I have for you.

I only wish.

I just don't want to cry anymore...please help me with that. make sure that I don't pain because of stupid selfless choices/I know I cry a lot but try and love/help me. I can be a purely happy person and be fun...I'm not lame...I just invest a lot of myself in you. Like I've said...You have my heart.

I just want to love you the right way.
I hate falling asleep crying like I'm about to.
I'm just sad.
I need to get over this slump.

someone please remind me that I'm worth it.
I'm not sure that I remember that I am.

But I know how the saying goes: You must love yourself before you can have someone love you.
The thing is that I do love myself. I don't think I'm a bad person. I think I'm a pretty damn selfless girlfriend that loves with my whole self and soul. I just can't fathom being taken advantage of and it makes everything hurt 100times more than it normally would. That's when I start to think "maybe I've fucked up?"

Someone please just be straight with me. And I'll be straight with you. It will hurt, but I'd rather have a relationship based on truth than on someone trying to "protect" my feelings. That NEVER goes over well.

I have a feeling I will be writing in this thing pretty often this summer. I will have a lot of slumpy days. I'll try not to be so depressing. I just can't help it if I'm sad and nothing around me really helps and no one really goes out of their way to make me smile.

I've sat like this for the last three days :-|

if you're in a relationship. talk. no matter what. don't be afraid to talk or be heard. if something bothers you, talk louder. No matter how hard headed the other person, you will always feel like you did everything you could. because you talked. And talking is a big step towards improvement.
15 May 2009 @ 01:03 pm
So, I've decided that I won't go out of my way to talk to you anymore. I know you will be gone to China and we will barely talk and I'm sure you want it that way. I'm sorry I've been the ONLY one to call/text/IM you in the last three days. I know you want time to spend with your brother and his friends. I just don't like being disregarded. And I HATE HATE HATE it when people say that they will call me back and NEVER DO. I actually wait for the calls. That's not just you, it's my dad, mom, friends, etc. I hate that.

I'm sorry I wrote my IMs in shorthand today. To be honest, I'm not sorry. That's the most ridiculous thing to be annoyed over. I didn't mean to confuse you. I'm at work and can't really be all over AIM all the time.

I need to find something or someone to take my mind off of you. I'm not saying another guy, I'm just saying I need to not think about you. Believe it or not, I fucking care about you and love you with so much of my heart it hurts. You don't feel nearly the same way. I'm disposable and that's why you did what you did. I don't get over being hurt that easily especially if its someone who I invested so much of my time, energy, effort, love and faith in. I wan't to be reminded that you care. But if you don't, don't date me. I hate being held onto a string. AHHHH this is so cyclical.

I just want to fall in love again and my gut tells me it won't happen. I need a week of crying and depression or maybe just endless therapy and maybe things would look up finally. I like receiving that text or phone call saying "I love you" or "I am just thinking about you" often. ESPECIALLY after all that has happened.

My largest fear and insecurities have been met by what you did to me. Now I'm living my life and this relationship on eggshells thinking if I make a move or breathe wrong he may do that again to me or he may do worse.

Last night I got to thinking about how easy it was for you to lie to me twice about the conversation to (as you put it) "not make things worse than they were". My paranoid and hurt heart tells me that this has happened before. That even while we were dating maybe you were still seeing the stripper girl or you were still seeing other people or maybe that threesome did happen. I feel like that night you slept over Natan's that you maybe did stuff with those lesbians. I feel like you may have had conversations like that with Heather or Katie or anyone else I don't know about. I am so on edge. I'm not sure what will kill the edge. I'm not sure that I can come back from this. Especially when someone is not patient with me. Someone is easily annoyed with me after I've done nothing but say hello or just am hurt. I am hurt because I've been hurt. Sorry if that bothers you.

I want to be able to write about how wonderful my boyfriend is and how secure I feel in the relationship because he will never disrespect or hurt me. I want to be able to not feel like I'm imposing or bothering if I say hello especially since I won't be seeing him for 3 months (if not more). I'm petrified for this summer. petrified. I'm getting a second job to try and keep myself and mind occupied.

speaking of work..I'm at one of my jobs. and need to get back to work.

I just want to love and truly feel loved again. I want to feel like I did a year ago. Like nothing could come between us. Like I was everything to you, even if I wasn't. I just like feeling that way...but if lying to yourself has to happen in order for me to feel that way just end it. tell me you hate me and want nothing to do with me. make a reason for me to hate your existence. because right now it's hard.
I love you too much.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
13 May 2009 @ 11:19 pm
After the events of the last three weeks, I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust you. As much as I want to I'm not sure I will. It hurts me. On top of all the other bad shit that has happened throughout the course of this relationship, the straw that broke the camels back and the utter disrespect I've gone through puts the cherry on top on the situation.

I may never get over this. I may never be able to feel like I won't be hurt the way I have been again. I'm not sure what will fix it.
I want to cry, but that's all I do. I want to make this all go away. I wish none of it happened. And to be completely honest I want Katie to suffer a lot. I want you to pain. I want someone to truly experience the amount of utter disgust, disrespect and pain I've experienced. But you don't work that way. You carry on and don't feel. You become numb and just go about your day. I can't do that.

You have no idea what a good person and girlfriend I've been to you. You have no idea. I know we all have our differences. I know I'm not perfect. But My God, I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I don't deserve to be treated like nothing, like disregarded human waste. I know that much. I know I don't deserve that.
Words can't explain how much hurt I still feel. Someone once told me that yes while you did not cheat...the intent was there. while no physical connection was made, the intent was there. while there were only words, utter disrespect was there.

I need to let all of this out. I'm just in a lot of pain.
and to be brash: I hope Katie fucking rots in her own worthless life. She is scum. I fucking hate her and I hate you for what you did to disrespect me when I did nothing to deserve it.

I'm angry and I just want to cry for days on end. I want someone to help me stop crying with more than words. I want to stop crying with promises and action. I want to stop hurting. I want things to change for real and not just to shut me up and have me as a commodity.

I hate that I'm this angry. I wish none of this happened.
I wish I could trust you. I gave you my heart and you took a machete to it.

i'm just angry and hurt. i need someone to truly understand me and WANT to listen. no one does. every one is sick of me and I have no one. I am here in Boston by myself with no one. I can't leave because I have no money to support myself and I need to work two full-time jobs in order to afford living next year on top of school and health. Not to sound emo, but I'm really hate my life right now and I hate everything that has happened to hurt me like this.

I wish i could undo time and go back to my loveless life. I didn't ever hurt like this. call is naive, call it bliss, call it immaturity, call it what you will...I had nothing to lose, especially not my heart.
Current Mood: sadsad
I will never be happy. I will never feel comfortable or secure with anyone. It's not my own insecurities...its not that i think I'm not pretty enough or good enough. fuck that shit. It's the constant lies and fabrications that have molded me to think and react the way i do. Even if someone tries to change. Ive become a creature of that routine. I expect the worst always.

I'm going to die a miserable and lonely person, despite how much I've dreamed and wanted a love like the movies. not the ridiculous movies, the ones that show people grow, change and adapt with one another. This will never happen to me.

I'm no psychic but I already know and foresee lots of unhappiness and failure at life. Call me a pessimist. I call me a realist.

I have no one that can tolerate me and that I can be 100% me around. not one single person. sometimes not even myself. I watch what i say and how i say it around patrick with fear that anything i say or do can start an argument and completely alter the mood and feeling of the day or even week or month. I try not to breathe or sigh a certain way indicating anything. I try not to show feelings to anyone that isn't "happiness" or "joy". This isn't just an attack at my relationship with Patrick, this is also in reference to my relationship with my mother. no matter what I do, what I accomplish, how hard I try, how much I try to change in order to create efforts for positive results...nothing changes for the better. If anything it gets worse and worse each time.

I'm going to die living my fairytale life, miserable that it was never achieved and be lonely. I have no faith or hope anymore. I stick it out because I don't want to be the only one fighting anymore. I have no more energy for it. I actually NEED to see that I am cared for. I am considered. I'm stuck in a miserable relationship that just makes me degenerate as a human being. I do love him. More than i've loved anyone. I just can't fight. I can't live in fear of every move or word I make or say could possibly be the end of things. If i care too much, its a problem...then when i tone it down and care at all, its a problem. I can't be my own person who has my own thoughts and opinions or else its me trying to start an argument.

I dont know how to be or act anymore.
he has told me more than once that he doesn't love me. that he isn't happy. that he could be with someone better. he has told me all of this more than once. why am i still around?

I'm a silly bitch. a stupid fool. I honestly deserve all that I get.
fuck my life.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
11 February 2009 @ 11:24 am
one more thing i realized: even if I wanted to not come home tonight, I really don't have anywhere to go. I don't have real friends here. Jason is not my real friend. He lives this facade of being a friend. a friend that doesn't talk to me and doesn't like to hear me and my feelings. He gets annoyed. He is just attached to his phone and his other friends. The one person I honestly considered my best friend doesn't feel inclined to talk to me. it hurts a bit, but i'm fine with that. i'm actually really used to it.

i have no one. not one person to care enough about me. and no it's not that it's not enough FOR ME. it's just not enough to care. its all convenience. It's when they "feel like it". Every other time is just solid irritation or issues bottled up and they treat me accordingly.

I'm done being someones commodity. I'm a person that needs someone to care enough to listen. To care enough to drop everything and care. I do that for other people, why can't someone just do that for? I guess I am the only person that can do that for me. I always been the only person.
11 February 2009 @ 11:17 am
I hate that I'm thinking about this right now...but last night I had somewhat of an epiphany. He's just not that into me. (kill me now) but it's true. He doesn't feel connected to me. He doesn't feel motivated to want me or care. He doesn't feel like this relationship is worth it due to the fact that the last several months have been spent predominantly fighting. He's sick of it. He's sick of me. There is not even anything physical keeping him here. I am not worth it to him in any sense of the word.

If i realize all of this, why can't i just let go?
He doesn't want me.

that is it. point blank. end of story.

he is happy with everyone but me. he doesn't want to be around me anymore. thats an even bigger reason why i don't want to come back here anymore. Give him his space. Give him his room. Give him what he wants: not me.

I'm not coming back home tonight. I'm not sure where I am staying, but I'm not coming back. Maybe I'll go out. maybe, i'll sleep in IT. I don't know.
10 February 2009 @ 11:47 pm
My restored draft left me with one word: crying. Story of my life. That is all I do. I break then I cry. I'm amazed at how many tears I am able to form. If it were an Olympic sport, I'm almost positive that I would be a gold medalist. There is nothing I am proud of about that.

I want to write my feelings down. I want to pour my heart out. I want to make sense of all of this.

I really can't.

I've never met someone so cold but so loving. I've never met someone who didn't care but cared enough to stay. I never met someone who I loved this much but cried for this often.

I know what I want...this is one thing I will never have.

Melodramatic. Like a teenage girl. But who really has the right to measure my feelings as a stereotype? judge all you want. Laugh all you want. Fuck yourself all you want.

I know how I feel and what goes on in my head. I know what makes sense to me and what does not.
A big part of me wants something drastic to happen to me. Something so big that I won't be able to entertain ideas about now. No I'm not talking about killing myself. Please, I have too much to live for. Just something big, drastic, unexplainable. Maybe someone new sweeps me off my feet. Maybe I'm admitted to the hospital for several weeks. Maybe I get hit by a car with minor injuries. Maybe a new friend that really knows the value of friendship. Maybe someone who will fill this void.

I'm also not saying that I'm out looking for someone. I am NOT. I am hopelessly in love with Patrick. hopelessly being the operative word.
Nothing will change. Nothing will be fixed. He has put up this wall and refuses to break it down. I love too much that it backfires in my face, every time.

Some day, One day someone will appreciate my love and me. I really hope that person is Patrick, but by the looks of it...it won't be.

After this semester, this is it. We will be over. I really only think he is sticking through this because he is staying with me. I'm not saying he is using me, but since it is convenient he will try when he feels like it. But once he has his own place with Chris or whoever, he will be more inclined to let this go. I see it happening. I don't know what to do to prevent that from happening. Maybe there is nothing. Maybe there is no hope left.

Maybe it's really just over.
23 October 2008 @ 01:09 am
I'm scared.
22 October 2008 @ 11:26 pm
"I almost had my heart ripped out of my chest. I almost literally lost a part of my dignity and my soul."--saved from my last draft.

Wow. It's been almost a month. Poona opens in two and half weeks. My cast is not fully memorized. It scares me. My technical crew is dropping like flies. I'm only one person that can't do everything, even though I offer to help.

School is hard. I'm trying to work really hard though. I just feel uninspired about school. I just want to work already and not take bogus classes. I know I'll whine about the latter when the time comes.

My health is getting better. I am almost in remission.

but I still feel ill with anguish.
Stress is a deadly disease.
Current Mood: coldcold
02 October 2008 @ 04:51 pm
I can almost actually say that I give up.
01 October 2008 @ 04:44 pm
I won't let my heart be your rag doll anymore. That is just it. I need to do better in school. I need to take time off of my crazy life and focus in school. I'm not doing well at all I don't think.
Next semester I'm not doing nearly as much. I'll pitch my show. If it doesn't get in, I will be 100% okay with that. It will give me the opportunity to focus. If it does get in, I just won't do the 243235 things I'm doing.

I want to smile more often. I want to cry less. I want to laugh more often. I want to hurt less.
A part of me thinks I need to get out of this. The bigger part of me thinks that I shouldn't give up. I'm stuck it out this long. Is it even worth it anymore?
I wish he could prove these feelings wrong. I wish he could not be stubborn and see what he does or doesnt do. I'm not perfect I know. I should maybe stop pushing. But this is how it is going to go. I stop pushing. He will not try to make me happy or consider my feelings without me asking. I will remain miserable.

at the rate things are going, I won't be surprised if its over by Holiday break. It not what I want by a long shot, but my heart, my head, and my health cant handle it.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
10 September 2008 @ 09:18 am
The last two nights I've been having really awful dreams. vivid, realistic and awful dreams. It doesn't help that I've needed sleeping pills to put me to sleep because of all the stuff that's on my mind. That could be the catalyst to the dreams. I just always wake up in a gloomy mood and go about my day.

I want to make something clear. I'm not sad because Patrick and I are doing this whole "We aren't seeing each other thing for a little while." To be honest, I think it's a good idea. The distance is good. I feel like when we were long distance (which was the beginning)things were better. Regardless of all that, We did speak all the time. and we never left talking to each other on a bad note. And that's all I miss. I miss talking to him. I miss just knowing that he is there. And now he isn't. I honestly feel shitty and alone. I can't talk to my friends because well they are mostly guys and they don't understand. I can't talk to my mom because she will just tell me 'I told you so.' I can't talk to anyone. i just have to put up a front, walk around all day doing what I need to do and then come home and cry.

I have this feeling that he wants to break up with me. I understand that he just entered real college life and he probably wants to experience it with no ties. I'm not trying to tie him down. I give him space and I'M NOT CLINGY. I was told that he called me that and I have NEVER been called that by ANYONE. I am not that kind of person at all. It's his choice to be around me when he has. No one put a gun to his head or guilted him into it. He has made his choices on his own accord.

I'm going to end up broken hearted and alone. I'm just waiting for the day he talks to me to tell me these things.
I have to go to work.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
09 September 2008 @ 11:50 pm
I'm really afraid of the days to come. Either of my actions or of his. I'm so scared and ashamed to say I might have to tell myself "I told you so..." I want to be proven wrong. I want to be okay. I honestly just want to be loved, the right way. The way where you aren't afraid, worried, disrespected, or lied to.

I want to be told how I drive you crazy so I can make an effort to change. BELIEVE ME, I know I'm nothing close to perfect. I need you to talk to me too. I can't always do all the talking.

I need closure. And if it's the case, I need to move on.
I just need to know soon, preferably now.
08 September 2008 @ 04:33 pm
I know that I can be insecure. mostly because I have been hurt so often by so many people in all aspects. I tend to put a wall up and be very skeptical about everything. That is not necessarily a good thing. What doesn't help is the fact that I'm in a relationship with someone who does little to nothing to ease that worry. He has told me about his past "record" on his relationships. He has told me about his fuck ups. He has also kept his "friendship" with his ex girlfriend (who so conveniently lives right across the Charles River) a secret to me. He has snuck around when it came to contacting her. He has lied to me and been dishonest. He has made stupid excuses just to see her. I'm sorry...but remind me...Who is he in a relationship with? Just refresh my memory.
On a normal basis I would be about with my boyfriend being friends with their ex's. Shit, a friend is a friend. But when it starts off as a secret...I'm not a fan of that friendship at all. It may have nothing to do with the girl, but my boy is doing a shitty job at making me feel okay with the idea of this friendship.
Since I want to be reasonable, I told him that I wanted to meet her. See them interact. See them together and get the feeling that I have nothing to worry about. I asked him to please figure that out before he started going on his little lunch "dates" or whatever the fucks with her. They tried to plan a lunch and I couldn't go because of a doctors appt. I'm sorry but my health takes precedent over an old fuck. Sorry. I may be selfish but oh well. He makes it difficult and a problem. We fight (story of my life). I simply had ONE request...don't see her until I meet her. That is it. Not hard. Not difficult. Not inconvenient. Shit I have the most flexible schedule especially now. I just want to feel okay. I want to feel comfortable and secure in my relationship. Is that so much to ask? I find out he went to see her about 4-5 days ago. He wasn't going to tell me. I had to ask. I always feel awkward about asking questions about his ex, but I did. He lied to me. He disrespected me. He was hiding things from me. Do you know how awful I felt? I knew he wasn't going to tell me anything because he had the mentality that I would "never find out." I honestly don't feel 100% around him anymore. I don't feel like I could trust him. With this petty and basically insignificantly simple request he couldn't even keep it. He RARELY considers my feelings. How can anyone be in a relationship with someone like that? Honesty and communication are the basis of a good relationship. I do everything in my power to make things work. Why can't he?
I honestly cried for most of the day yesterday. It's not the fact that he went to lunch. Fuck Lunch. I could care less if they went to fucking Bible study. It's the fact that he kept something so stupid and potentially hurtful to me from me. He knew I wasn't comfortable with the idea of the two of them because of all the secrets he kept from me and he certainly fulfilled my fears of him moving up here.
I just want to be okay and very little is happening to ease any of this pain. I don't want to see him for a while. For like a month. or two. He needs to learn to appreciate me. If he doesn't in the time away then its over. I can't live like this. For my own mental sanity and for my own health.

I'm still really hurt. especially because I am so in love with him.
God I feel like a fool.
Current Mood: disappointedhurt
18 August 2008 @ 12:20 am
Two more days. Thank goodness.

The only thing that may be in my way is Fay, the damned tropical storm/maybe hurricane. I swear if that holds me back from getting to Boston I will have a fit! Other than that, all is amazing. I feel so okay. I feel so happy.

I'm a lucky girl who has an amazing guy. I really am so friggin happy. I can't wait to spend more of my life with him in Boston. This is new and exciting for the both of us.

I must go and finish packing my last bag. After that, I am officially ready to go!


"Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i`m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It`s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you`re in love"
Current Mood: happyhappy
I have one more week left. One more week in Florida. My last week here for a while. I may not be back until next year thanksgiving or something. Who knows?

I have a lot of time on my hands. With that time I have already packed two boxes and my carry on. I am about to start one luggage. Then leave the last luggage for the last couple days.

With that time I have also had plenty to spare on facebook. (kill me now) I don't prefer facebook but it's something to let time pass. I went through all my friends a deleted approximately 200 people. I don't like people who request to be my friend just to see my page. Request to be my friend because you want to be my friend. It all started with my intense dislike for one of Patrick's ex girlfriends who used to be my friend in high school. She requested to be my friend once she saw I was dating Patrick (this was a while back). Not once did she write on my wall or anything. It was just to see my shit. UH UH. That made me despise her even more. So fuck that shit. I'm deleting all the motherfuckers who pull that shit. I also hate it when heritage people from NOW (who are still there) request to be my friend just to see my shit. Not once did they speak to me while I was enrolled in the school or I don't really know who they are. I don't like that. At ALL.
Had to vent that.

Tonight I am hopefully seeing the movie screening to Hamlet 2. It has two people from Spring Awakening OBC and Steve Coogan. I am so excited for that movie.

Things have been on the upside lately. I really have been happy. My anxiety and worries are slowly subsiding. It's a good feeling.

I can't wait until Boston.
Current Mood: accomplished
07 August 2008 @ 10:08 pm
Love is a such a wonderful feeling. I swear I could feel like this forever.

I hope I do. With this one person.

I love him.
06 August 2008 @ 06:50 pm
Its really funny how things work out. how crying convulsions and ridiculous fights result in positive. granted, it took a lot of crying convulsions and fighting.

if you're in a relationship. talk. no matter what. don't be afraid to talk or be heard. if something bothers you, talk louder. No matter how hard headed the other person, you will always feel like you did everything you could. because you talked. And talking is a big step towards improvement.

I don't regret any of it. It shows I love him more and more.
I wouldn't fight if I didn't.

My lips still burn but my mouth is getting better. I can't wait to go back to Boston.

2 more weeks and counting.
Life finally BEGINS.
Current Mood: cheerfulgetting better
31 July 2008 @ 02:45 pm
I had a shitty day yesterday too. I had chemotherapy and Patrick came with me. It was really nice of him especially because It was 6 hours long. I felt kind of sick during chemo. I proceeded to be done with chemo and have to rush home because my mom locked herself out of the house. I was pissed because I wasn't that well to drive and I didn't feel well.

I get into it with my mom and of course that is never good. I leave. I go to Patrick's house and I spend the night. Throughout the night I had a fever on and off. This morning I woke up with a 101.5 fever. I took ibuprofen and all my meds. My mouth feels like it's getting worse too. I had lunch with Eric and went to CVS to buy a new toothbrush, floss, mouth rinse, chapstick, and medicine. I want my mouth to be better. I think they are fever blisters. I don't feel well.

Eric thinks its all stress related. I do too. I hope I don't end up in the hospital again.

I want to throw up.
I hate being sick.
Current Mood: sicksick
29 July 2008 @ 08:53 pm
I really hate being disappointed...as I'm sure everyone is. I just hate being blown off. Especially after a shitty day. a really shitty day.

I guess I just had a really twisted outlook on what a relationship (any relationship whether it be friendship, an intimate relationship, etc.) should be.

i'm sad. i'm sick.
and I DON'T HAVE IT EASY. I don't care what you say or what you think. I know I don't have it as bad as other people...but my health and my life has not been an easy one. so fuck you.
Current Mood: crappycrappy
I don't like hurting. I like working things out. I like fixing problems. I don't like crying. I don't like feeling perpetually sad. I don't think anyone does...but people who thrive on depression. odd people.

I like feeling complete. I like feeling alright. I love feeling loved.
I am loved.

I need to not second guess it. Don't worry until given something to worry about. I need to tattoo that on my brain.
If something comes up, bring it up in a civil manner. Work towards good. Work towards fixing things. Work towards making things work.

I love feeling like everything will be okay.
I love him.

I need to not be needy and do things for myself more. Love me first.

loving is a good feeling.
ahhh sleep to awake another day. another day of being alive, being healthy-ish, being able to tell the one you love that you love them.
Current Mood: chipperchipper
19 July 2008 @ 11:47 am
I love him.
I am in so much pain.
18 July 2008 @ 05:47 am
I said to myself that I would stop. I would just trust him because he has given me no reason not to. It was there. In front of my face.

I don't want to get into more detail...I just know that if someone really loved you they wouldn't let you leave their house crying. They wouldn't let you hurt that much. They would try and make things better, not sit there with a helpless look on their face. They would find a way to make you stop worrying. They would be open and honest. They would not just think a kiss, hug and quiet "I love you" would stop the tears. They wouldn't give you any reason to worry.

I just know someone that loved you the way they say they do wouldn't put themselves in situations that they could later regret (ie. hanging out with ex girlfriends at all hours of the day/night...sexual tension rarely goes away)

The knots in my stomach won't let me sleep anymore. I'm up and today is his birthday. I don't want to ruin it. I probably shouldn't even see him. I know it will be hard to hold back tears.

If this persists I will be another notch on his belt. another conquest. I can't do this to myself anymore. I find myself crying more than I smile.

I know I worry and create shit in my head...but if in the beginning I had no worries or concerns I would of never felt this way to begin with. I would never fathom it.
I feel stupid and naive.

I just want to feel better. I want to be sure that I won't hurt like this. With him I have been given no guarantees because words are not enough. Actions speak louder than words.
Current Mood: sadheartbroken
16 July 2008 @ 11:04 pm
Yes it's petty. Yes it may be stupid. Yes I let little things bother me. Yes I stress out a lot. Yes I apologize for everything.

The reasons are...I've grown accustomed to that. I've grown up around that and being that way. I've always needed to apologize for everything, even things I know weren't wrong. I was always the center of blame. So it's become habit.

I'm pretty pissed off. at Patrick. It may sound stupid. It probably is. I just hate flaky people. I HATE FLAKY PEOPLE. I hate it when people say yes to definite plans and then blow you off. I HATE THAT. I understand things that are up in the air and something comes up. but laziness is not a legitimate factor that would come up.
What makes me more pissed is he made me feel guilty for changing my flight to leave early. Sure he said "I understand" and Blah blah blah. But it made me feel bad and and made me consider changing it back since I did have the option from my mom. Then he called me fickle. I just won't win. wonderful. Maybe he's right.

but its my fault. I need to start living for me. I'm too stupid and blind and "in love" to do anything with a clear mind. I need approval.and that's wrong. I have too many high expectations for my relationship. I better cut that high expectation shit out because I am just being continuously disappointed.

I want the cute shit. I want the sincere apologies. I want someone to actually try with me and seek me. I want creativity. I want adventure. Basically I'm just asking for too much. Settle for whatever, right? Just take it as it comes. Be happy SOMEONE takes time to notice me once in a while. Take that right?

When we are happy, we are happy. When we fight, I remain pissed for an extended period of time. I just wish I wasn't the way I was. He's only human and I expect too much. I got too serious too quick. I need to care less. and do less. make myself less available. live for me. find happiness elsewhere. The world doesn't revolve around him and mine shouldn't.

I'm just pissed. and slightly hurt. I kind of don't want to see him for a little while. I'm kind of glad I'm going back sooner rather than later. I need time away. Time to do for me.

I wonder how Boston will be with him moving there and all. This should be interesting.
I'm open. I talk my feelings. I tell him that. All I get "I'm sorry you feel that way" Fuck Cosmo and their stupid reasons for guys saying that. FUCK THAT. grow balls and an opinion. I'm really pissed.

I better stop wishing, hoping, and praying for anything. I get little in return.

I'm over exaggerating a bit. I'm just pissed. really pissed off. But it seems that...well wait...let's do the math:
The last seven days we'll call it a week (not a complete monday through sunday week but work with me).
Today--good day overall...had a fun time with Eric at the movies, but Patrick disappointed me (what's new)= BAD
Tuesday--good day/night with Patrick. Relaxing and just what I like.=Good
Monday--Annoyed because of being guilt=ed then knowingly blown off.=BAD
Sunday--Shitty day at home, Patrick comes over and kind of makes me feel like shit because of plans falling through that wasnt my fault and trying to make options that he might rather than staying at my house and watching bullshit home videos=Okay 50/50
Saturday--Stayed home by myself=Whatever
Friday--Decent night with Patrick, made uncomfortable by plethora of ex girlfriends that call his phone...this night being no different (just one called...but it just put my feelings in perspective). I understand he is a friendly guy, but it makes me feel uneasy. Because I know he would hang out with them...and just knowing sexual tension was once there puts a lump in my throat and stomach and kind of makes me want to cry. = Ehh
Thursday--I don't remember=Good i guess...if i can't remember it it prolly wasnt that bad.

4 nights out of the 7 I felt kinda like shit. 4/7=about 57%
So 57% of the time I don't feel my best if we say each week is kind of like that...which it is. We do argue constantly...so let's just generalize and say it is. 57% of the time I am unhappy.
mostly due to my high expectations. I will stop.

Just take it with a grain of salt. If it persists go on a no sodium diet. that is all.
Current Mood: uncomfortableunhappy
11 July 2008 @ 10:58 pm
just breathe...

and smile.
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed