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Up and Down. Up and Down. I've been led Up and Down.

Well...Things are going. up and down.
Patrick and I have been okay. We fight about stupid shit. Shit that doesn't need to be fought about. He just doesn't think and I think too much. Perfect pair, eh? I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore. We've been dating for a short while and I feel like he's had enough. I mean I know we have seen each other every day since he's been back. I also understand that people need time to themselves. I get all of that. Shit I feel that way completely...but I mean he doesn't know how to go about it in a nice way. I felt like shit yesterday. Since I woke up. I just felt like everything was boring/mechanical with him. It felt like I was an obligation and not a privilege. I don't like feeling that way.

I feel that way because I want him to show that he cares. Telling me "I love you" does not solve everything. Showing me he cares does more than three silly words that could be in vain. I would much rather someone show me that I'm their everything other than saying that phrase thinking it will solve everything.
I want him to fight for me. I want him to want me. but...by me pushing it. It won't happen.
I need to back off and leave him alone.

I won't see him for the rest of the ...well until he wants to see me. I will do self reflection in that time by myself. Plus my mom will be home...so I'm sure I will be busy because of her.
I won't call. He'll call me. I won't pry. I won't try. anymore.

My moms been in St. Croix for the last two weeks. In that time I made it a point to see Patrick as much as I could because I knew once my mom was back in town I would be a prisoner in the house. I may have went over board with Patrick. I think both he and his family are sick of me. I will stay away. I know I'll make some people happy.

I had a job interview and got the job. I decided not to take it. It was a direct marketing job. I didnt like the whole up and down of driving and walking. I need a simple, stress free job. I will continue to look.

I hate that I am a really jealous person. I am also very threatened by Patrick's ex girlfriends. He has cheated and he has let other girls get in the way. That scares me to the core. I wish he would do more to assure me that I have nothing to worry about than just say "Sorry you feel that way." I feel like a fucktard.

Maybe I just need to be alone in my life. I will forever have these characteristics/fears in my personality. There is little that I could do to change it.

I just want to be happy.
Right now...I'm not.
I'm miserable to say the least.
Current Location: alone.
Current Mood: melancholymiserable
28 June 2008 @ 10:31 pm
I am tired. Today I slept most of the day...but it wasn't a bad day because I slept right next to Patrick. He came home last night. I picked him up and it was great! I love that man so much.

He bought me a panda hat that I loveeee!! I will rock it in Boston during winter. It will keep my head warm.

OH! So Patrick got into Wentworth! On top of that he got a merit scholarship to go there. Who woulda thought. Next step is FAFSA. We will do that together and he will be on his merry way. I can't wait for him to come up to Boston with me. I really have no more fears of anything. I'm getting over my stupidity. It's my personality and the way I am but my love for him is so much more. I'm just happy I will be able to see him whenever. I'm just happy I will be able to sleep next to him at night some nights. I'm just happy that he makes me this happy.

I would do anything for him.

I've never been this in love. or in REAL love in general. This is rare. I'm not letting go that easily.

Alright I'm going to go to bed so tomorrow will come faster and I'll be able to see him once again.
I love life.
Current Mood: lovedloved
25 June 2008 @ 03:11 pm
Florida is really hot. I mean, I have known this for a while because I lived here for a long time...but I never realized HOW hot it is. Damn.

What have I accomplished today?
Aside from getting little sleep (once again), I woke up and after a little while of making jewelry I got to talk to Patrick online then on the phone. That certainly made my day. I can't wait for him to get home. I want to pounce on him.

I lounged about the house. Wrote Kim a long e-mail detailing ideas for Elegies for next semester. Went to get lab work. Made three ring tones.

I was fiddling around on the computer when I remembered an old entry about "My Dream Guy Credentials." Not to sound cheesy but I really do love Patrick with all my heart and I hope that we are able to tolerate each other long enough to have a substantial relationship and future. He makes me happy. He makes me feel good about me (even when I don't take what he says to heart all the time). He is great to talk to. He is great to cuddle with. He is great to kiss and love. I really do love him unconditionally.

I wanted to re-post my old credentials and see what matches up.
The old entry is dated November 2004:

"My Dream guy...
-Would be able to dance salsa, ballroom, merengue, [spanish in general] and would enjoy doing so [PATRICK DOESN'T DO ANY OF THOSE...BUT IS STILL A LOT OF FUN TO DANCE WITH AT A CLUB...WHEN HE LOSENS UP]

-Would be able to sing for me, if not, be able to compensate with that loss and play an instrument (preferebly the guitar)[I'M STILL WORKING ON THIS ONE. PATRICK CAN SING BUT IS SHY]

-Would have an awesome, stupid, sick, retarded sense of humor but equally be able to balance it out with intellect and outspoken-ness [YES]

-Would be equally smart as me, if not, be able to hold intelligent and informative conversations [YES. HE KNOWS SO MUCH OTHER SHIT THAT I DON'T KNOW AND IS GOOD AT WHAT HE LIKES]

-Would either love or hate scary movies [YES]

-Would either love or hate chick flicks (preferebly hate...)this way I could drag them to see the movie and regardless of them loving it or hating it, they would be enjoying my company.[wow, could I get any cheesier? The sad thing is...I can] [YES]

-Would be a reader or a person who likes to do new things or learn new things [YES ON ALL THINGS]

-Would be spontaneous and fun [YES]

-Would find fun in sitting home and watching TV [YES]

-Would find fun in randomly going to a park and rollerblading [WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS...BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HE WOULD MIND]

-Would be random like me [YES]

-Would not be WAY too much like me...bc that would just get irritating and boring at times [YES. WE ARE WAYYYY DIFFERENT]

-Would either be just like me or completely opposite (preferably {Now I think I spelled it right} complete opposite or with SOME similiar characteristics) [SEE ABOVE. HE IS WAYYYY DIFFERENT THAN ME]

-Would like to do community service [UMM...]

-Would be very outgoing [SOMETIMES]

-Would have impeccable (sp?) hygiene [YES. ALMOST AS OCD AS MY MOM]

-Would be kind and generous [YES]

-Would be loving and caring [YES YES YES YES]

-Would not hesitate to correct me [SOMETIMES...He says he doesn't like to piss me off...but I don't mind being corrected]

-Would not mind debating with me, when I might be "wrong" [YES...sometimes]

Lastly, (and this is a must)...
My Dream Guy...

DAYUM I'm a cheesy bitch"

hahahaha. That was entertaining. I honestly forgot about some of that stuff. I'd have to say that Patrick fits a lot of those characteristics. No wonder I'm so happy.

I may be going to a movie with Eric tonight. If he calls. I'm not calling him. If I get no call, I will sleep. Because I am a lazybutt.

counting down until Patrick gets here.
Current Mood: amusedamused
25 June 2008 @ 06:45 am
I missed him and I'm pretty sad about it. I can't wait until he comes home this weekend. I miss him so much and love him indefinitely.

"Die Alone"
I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Speckled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb.
Because I've fallen, oh, 'cuz I've fall-fallen, oh 'cuz I've fall-fall-fallen
So far away from the place where I started from.

I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone,
But you, but you, but you, but you, but you
But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.
-Ingrid Michealson
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Voices in my head
24 June 2008 @ 05:27 pm
I went to the doctor today. I needed to see her before I could schedule another chemotherapy treatment. I woke up nice and early, argued with my mom about nothing, left the house early, mailed my bad Poona DVD in hopes that I will get the CORRECT DVD, went to the library, then drove to the doctors.

I waited and waited. After an hour I was finally able to see my doctor. She said that I might be able to stop chemo treatment all together. I was so happy. She says that she thinks I'm in remission. I sure hope so. After all, I really do feel well. My blood pressure has been good (generally...if I'm not stressing). I had no fever. My weight is fine...to the doctors. So, I think I am doing a lot better.

I went out and bought some beading stuff. Then I went to lunch with Eric. We went to Olive Garden (not my favorite). All I wanted was soup and salad...and they do well with that. So we just sat and talked. It was nice. Andres called me and wants to hang out tonight. To be honest, I'm not sure I want to go out at all. I'm really tired. I want to see him but I pretty much rather sleep.

I'm not sure Applebee's is going to work out. I changed my mind. I will look somewhere else tomorrow. Something needs to be set in stone by this week. I need a job.

By the end of this summer I need to lose 8 pounds and keep it off. I will then be happy-er. Ok, i'm happy...i just want to try. I liked me last summer...although I was malnourished. lol. I'll try and avoid that.

I just made Jason laugh all over his room. I am crazy I know. LMAO.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Nobody Knows me at all--weepies
23 June 2008 @ 10:13 am
I've been up since midnight as indicated in the previous post. I couldn't seem to get back to sleep. I watched the remaining of the Veronica Mars Season 3. It's over. Finally.

I know I said I would try and change. and I am trying.

I get in a lot of arguments with my mother and she thinks she has a control on me. in a way she does. a part of me doesn't want to disappoint her. another part of me doesn't give a shit. she needs to learn to let go and stop thinking if i don't listen to every word she says i will regret it. funny thing is..i generally don't. I'm coming to the point where I don't care. I do what I want and take care of myself. This summer she will really get a taste of having to let me go. I'm sure I will do lots of things that will piss her the fuck off...but I'm my own person. She wants to disown me...go for it. To be honest, it will be her loss. I'm not saying I will do things that are wrong on purpose. I just know that me leaving the house or staying the night at Patrick's house will be the "most horrible thing and disrespectful thing" I could possibly do. She is a nut job. I live on my own in Boston. I drink. I party. I stay out late. I've not come home some nights. I have a social life. I work. I go to school. I know my limits and don't need a watchdog.

I'm really pretty sick of the way she treats me like a little kid. especially when she acts like a child more often than I do.

Aside from her pissing me off, I know I said I would try and change and I am trying. But I needed to be sneaky ONE MORE TIME. It was killing me. All I will disclose is that I am so fucking proud of Patrick. I love him so friggin much and I knew good things were coming his way. I can't wait until he gets home. I am seriously losing sleep over how excited I am to see him and to see his reaction. I just hope everything goes according to plan for him. He deserves it. I just want to squeeze him right now and shower him with kisses. I sound like a homo. I will stop.

I'm going to sew a pillow.
and avoid my mother.
maybe eat something...i'm contemplating.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
I really hate jetlag. I went to sleep at 6pm and woke up at midnight. I've been up since. I will try and go to sleep again soon. I've been eating very little since I've been back. Yesterday I had two bites of cereal and once slice of homemade pizza. Today I had a sandwich at 8am (because I woke up at 5am). Tomorrow...who knows. Maybe a carrot stick and we'll call it a day.

It's weird whenever I'm home...I don't really want to eat. When I'm in Boston or somewhere else...I eat (generally). I've been having a lot of issues with eating for the past two years. It could be the chemo. But it's so strange that it comes in phases.

I couldn't stand the site of romantic comedies today. I really was so adamant about it. My mother wanted to watch some movies (something feel good, something light hearted). I really didn't want to. I was like "could we watch something...with...killing?" I'm just not up for mush. I had a small panic attack today (earlier this morning) and talked to Jason a bit about it. It was really unexpected. I was hoping going to church with my family would help me get my mind off of things, but then I realized in order for a preacher to preach he must focus on misfortunes and how to overcome them with the power of the Lord or prayer or something like that. I was not in the mood to hear about misfortune. That makes no sense because of the whole "movie" situation. I confuse myself.

I found these books on the small table in the kitchen that my mom got from the library. They seemed very random. They were books on adolescent schizophrenia, adolescent joint/muscle/immune diseases, autism, female depression, and baking. I put the baking aside and started reading about the joint/muscle/immune one. It had a huge section on Lupus. I read about kidney involvement and about the different stages. I never realized how severe mine was. I am class IV. They said things like fatality, kidney failure, etc. It made me a bit scared. I tried to erase it from my mind by thinking about how hard I've been working to take care of myself since my hospital adventures from last year. I don't want to be that person again. I want to be happy. I put that book down because it scared me a bit and picked up the book on depression. There were many little quizzes included to help determine whether or not a person is depressed. I took two. I'm not sure what the results led me to. I get sad a lot. I think a lot about a lot of different things. Sometimes it seems that I purposely think about the things that make me sad as if it is some sort of therapy for me. I'm not sure how that makes sense. A part of me wants to seek help. Another part of me is scared to know what they find. And another part of me doesn't want to be the subject for any more specialists. I've had way too many run-ins with health, doctors, hospitals, death, fear, and sadness. I just need to calm down.

So instead of wallowing in the sea of doubt and fear, I just went to Applebee's, talked to my manager, wait for the actual "yes" by tuesday, came home, watched Veronica Mars for 3 hours and fell asleep. There was more sleeping in between there somewhere as well.

The more I think about it, the more I realize: I'm really okay. I just need to take things with a grain of salt and enjoy the moments I have. Don't uncover. Don't dwell. Don't worry. All will be well.

So as of now, I will try my hardest to change. seriously.
Tomorrow is a new beginning. with lots to do :|
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: sounds of people sleeping
22 June 2008 @ 08:55 am
It's really weird to realize the void someone fills. It's a good but weird feeling. It's weird because I do things that make me hesitate to let the goodness of it all happen. I really do hate my head. my brain.

A part of me wishes I wasn't my mother's daughter. I wish I never saw what I've seen in my life with relationships. I wish I remained naiive and innocent regarding relationships. That way I wouldn't be so speculative and worried. I wouldn't snoop. I wouldn't question too much. I wouldn't cry as much. I wouldn't stress myself out as much.

I seriously have problems.

Maybe the reason I do this and really haven't been this way with anyone else is because I care so much. Maybe too much. Maybe I'm scared for all the wrong reasons.
I just need honesty and openness. Seriously. I need to be let in the same way my stupid, vulnerable self let's people--sometimes complete strangers--in. I just want to make sure I won't be made a fool of. a tool of. hurt.

I won't. I won't. I need to stop thinking I will because it shows in my actions, emotions, and words. I don't want to push him away. He is the most important thing to me. I really do love him with all my heart. I hope I'm not doing things that give him a different impression.

Just breathe and calm and worry less.
Turn the brain off.

So, I came back from China. I went with Patrick. Craziness. I had a good time. I spent time with his family and got to know them. Overall the ups and downs, they are really great people. I hope they liked me. It definitely was a great experience that I will keep with me. I also think it was good for Patrick and I. if not good, it just hurt us. I'm thinking to stick with the positive.

Stop being threatened. Stop being scared.

I need to get myself together. physically and mentally. for today and for forever.
I really don't have much to worry about. other than myself.
Current Location: Home in Florida
Current Mood: distressedholding back tears
05 May 2008 @ 05:22 pm
Since I have nothing better to do...I was reading past entries and I read an entry written today four years ago. I thought I'd update it...

1)using band names, spell out your name:
S- Seabear
O- Once OST
L- Los Campesinos!
A- A Fine Frenzy
N- Nada Surf
G- Gypsy Punks
E- Eisley

2) have you ever had a song written about you? yes. Only ones I've written.

3) what song makes you cry? I'm a sap. Lots of songs. It really depends where my head is at.

4) what song makes you happy? Sing-a-long-ables

a p p e a r a n c e

height: short
hair color: dark brown
skin color: I used to be pretty tan, but living in Boston has made me pretty pale.
eye color: brown
piercings: 3
tattoos: 1

r i g h t n o w

what color pants are you wearing?: black shorts
what song are you listening to?: none.
what taste is in your mouth?: spit
how do you feel?: I have a headache and I'm pretty bored.

d o y o u

get motion sickness?: yes.
have a bad habit?: yes.
How about a nervous habit?: yes.
get along with your parents? generally.

f a v o r i t e s

book: lots. I like mystery novels, love stories (not romance...), Average American Male, etc.
non alcoholic drink: WATER!
alcoholic drink: Hard Liquor
thing to do on the weekend: relax.

h a v e y o u

broken the law: yes
ran away from home: yes
snuck out of the house: yes
ever gone skinny dipping: no
made a prank phone call: yes
skipped school before: yes
been in a school play: yes

l o v e

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: boyfriend
children: no
current crush: my boyfriend
been in love: yes
Had your heart broken: yes
Broken someone elses heart: yes
had a hard time getting over someone: yes
your greatest regret: not speaking up more

r a n d o m

your cd player has in it right now: I don't have a CD player in Boston
what makes you happy?: my boyfriend. food. relaxing. partying.

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t..

time you cried: two days ago
you got e-mail: today
thing you purchased: starbucks
movie you watched: 40 Year Old Virgin

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n

abortion: pro-choice
teenage smoking: unhealthy.
spice girls: YES!
dreams: freak me out

anddd blackout.
05 May 2008 @ 04:47 pm
I'm driving myself crazy. My own mind will be the death of me. Dang Meng.
I'm done with school. I didn't have any finals. Niceeee. Just papers and that's all done. So, I finished school about 2 1/2 weeks early. It's a pretty sweet deal. I'm heading home to Florida Wednesday morning, then China Friday Morning. Things are getting purtty craziii.

So, I've been relatively happy lately. I mean, I have little to be upset about. I'm done with school. Summer is here. I'm going to China. I'm going to China with my boyfriend. My health is in order. I have big plans for next year. I am in the Stage Troupe E-board. I am directing. I am working in a theatre...things are great.

Knowing all of that, I still find things to mope about. Jeebus, nothing keeps me happy. I'm just scared.

Patrick mentioned that his brother was concerned about me coming to China with them. I don't want to impose on family time. That was my biggest concern when I was first invited. I want to tell him that I wouldn't even dream of being a problem or making it uncomfortable for anyone. I am generally a quiet person...around people I don't know very well. Especially parents of someone that I want to make a good impression on. I am nervous. Very nervous.

I hope this trip makes my bond with Patrick stronger. He means the world to me.

I've been hanging out at the guys apartment lately. I've also been MIA to all my STroupe friends. I kind of want to break apart from them until next semester. Shit, I will be with them almost 2-4 times a week. GDamn. I mean, don't get me wrong I like them. But, I think there will be friction. That is to be expected.

I've been having strange dreams lately. My ex boyfriends have been popping up in them like it's gone out of style. I don't even think about them during my waking hours. One thing is for sure about that, I wake up and appreciate my current relationship even more. I hate that these dreams are explicit though. It makes me wake up and feel uncomfortable. That's what happens when you have a perverted mind. haha. I guess...

Hmm...I think there have been going ons lately that I haven't touched on through journal writing...
Marathon Monday--ahh good day. It was the Boston Marathon and I had no intention of joining the alcoholic festivities (I've been so uninspired to drink lately). I went to go get my passport at the federal building that day and then when i was walking home from the train stop I ran into so many drunken troupies. I hung out there...laughed at how drunk/stupid they were, then about two hours later I joined them. I didn't drink much. I was pretty sober. But it was fun. Just a long day of chillen outside with friends watching people of all ages run. a lot.

One Acts Festival--Anger Box was a success. Adam and I did such a great job (props to Adam on character work with our actors!!! He's such a good divorced dad!) I got some feedback later on about how particular people thought the show was vulgar. That made me laugh. Clearly, these people think theatre is all sunshine and rainbows. How stupid. I feel bad for people. AND there was clearly a written disclaimer outside and I mentioned if you are easily offended leave during intermission. I hate ignorant people.

BUSTies--Our one act won best special project spring 2008. yay! It makes me proud! I can't wait to direct Poona the FUCKDOG next semester (too vulgar for you?)

I can't think anymore. My brain is officially shut off.
I am craving cheese and crackers. I am fat.
I hear buzzers.
Current Location: Chester
Current Mood: blankblank
28 April 2008 @ 12:52 pm
Almost a month later. Dang. I have been so busy its kind of ridiculous.

Last we spoke my show, Poona, had been selected for mainstage and I was nominated for VPSP for Stage Troupe. Patrick was also in town.

Since then, I have been voted VP of Stage Troupe. I changed my nomination without telling many people. I had been approached by Kathleen and Chris (two old e board members) and was told that they want me to be VP. Deep down in my heart, thats the position that I wanted. Low and Behold, I got it! It has been a crazy transition. Lots of work and duties, but I love it!

So, not only and I directing a mainstage...I am also on the executive board and have a huge say in what goes on next year! I am so excited! Hopefully my idea for a special project (elegies...)happens! I want to direct that as well! Maybe I'll be in it too! :D

Regarding Stage Troupe, I've been having mixed feelings about people. People have been irritating me and condescending me. I can't really stand people. I hate all the drama and shit talking that takes place, but its drama and theatre...what else do I expect?

Oh...AND Patrick's family invited me to go to China with them! Um...WOW, YEAH! I was kinda thrown off. I won't lie. But I feel so blessed and special. So as of now I am officially going to China on May 9th with Patrick and his brother, Colin. How friggin ridic is that? I will be working at the Shanghai American School where his parents work. I will also be staying with them. Holy Crap! I'm excited.

Patrick and I have been having our ups and downs. More ups than downs, but that's normal. So no biggie. Me and my emotional self has been kinda ridiculous, but thankfully Patrick still loves me for all my stupid flaws. At least I hope so.

As of now I am in my apartment watching my trillionth episode of America's Next Top Model and editing/researching additional things for Capstone. Then it my final Film paper and then I'm done!
All that is left is Oral Defense of Capstone tomorrow, Film Paper the following day, BUSTies on Thursday (the "Tony's" of Stage Troupe), and packing my Apartment to go home to Florida on May 7th.
Then China.


I'll be sure to really update and keep up this summer. When I have less to do, I find time to update. So you will probably hear from me then. coooooooooool.

Current Location: Miii Apartamento
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Television
07 April 2008 @ 12:44 am
I've had a great couple of days. They came and went very quickly.

Patrick came to visit me. I was so excited about it! I hope he had a great time, because I sure as hell did. God, I love that man. I am so happy with him. Even when we were both being ridiculous, I was happy...sort of. Haha. We have some silly memories. I'll just say that.

Oh! I also got my show selected! So come Fall, I will be directing Poona the Fuckdog!
I was also nominated for E-board. I was nominated for VPSP (Vice President of Special Projects). I really want to be Vice President, not VPSP. Last night, Kathleen (the current Treasurer and biggest power holder on the current E-board) drunkenly confessed to me that she wants me to run for VP because I am the most qualified and charismatic. I felt special...but then again...she was drunk. :-|

I registered for classes today. In the Fall, I will only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But they will be FULL class days. From 9am-6pm. Not so bad. I remember high school and I used to stay from 7am to 11pm sometimes. It got nuts, so I know I can handle that. It's like a 9-5 job, just add one hour. So for my days off (Mon,Wed,Fri) I will be getting a job. So that should be good.

Lately I've been getting really annoyed with Stage Troupe people that try and run shit and step on toes. I hate condescending bitches. I just can't stand it. And most of these people started out as my friends. WHY??!??! I just stay away and keep to myself. Thank Jehovah.

I'm going to go shopping for a little bit tomorrow, then meet with my Capstone group then work, then go to film class for a lil bit. I didn't go at all last week. I don't really have to, but a part of me feels guilty.

I have a 10 page paper that I need to write on Obesity! AHHHH!!!
Current Mood: tiredtired
28 March 2008 @ 10:41 pm
Despite my last rant, I am completely in love with him. I'm all about him. I want every minute between us to be perfect and work.

I'm super excited for him to come up here. I hope my lame/boring ways don't repel him.

I'm also really nervous about pitching. AHHHHH! It's sunday! Holy Moses. I hope I do alright. I really want my show to get chosen. We will see.

Alright back to cleaning and laundry. and Organization...

Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Transporter 2
26 March 2008 @ 01:19 am
"reading an article"?

or do you read this?
your tone changed so much.
maybe I over analyze things too much.

I'm probably writing this for absolutely no reason.
If you read this let me know. I won't be less candid. I would just like to know.

In case you forgot,
I love you.
I finally have a moment to breathe. School was beginning to suffocate me.

I've been meaning to write. I know it hasn't been THAT long, but I know that I have been inspired and haven't ever gotten around to updating. I am currently scalding my tongue with a Lean Pocket. I know my kidneys are going to be mad at me later. I just had to indulge.

Tonight was the last night for One Act auditions. Did I mention that Adam and I got our show selected for the One Act Festival Stage Troupe has every semester? Well, we did. Weee! Auditions were fun. Slow at first, but fun. I got to play director and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Why is BET on right now? Since when was I into Black Entertainment? Not to that degree at least.
Changing THAT channel.

So what's been up with me? Hmmm...
Sexual Perversity closed. Thank God. Bryan has been annoying the fuck out of me with One Acts and he didn't do anything less annoying during SexPerv. Because he has been given a director position, does not mean that he can be a condescending dick or someone who constantly complains. Until you win an Oscar or Tony, stop your bitching.
The cast party was fun though. Strike was okay as well. Mike (Tom's boyfriend)was there and gave Ellie and I a shot of Cognac each. That was warming,especially in the freezing cold outside. I then made my way to Bea's place where we pregamed until the party. I got drunk there and it was fun. It's been a LONG while since I've actually gotten drunk. We made our way to 1193 and partied. It was a lot of troupe people. Oh, the drama (pun intended). I confronted Josh about being awkward since our last "adventure" together. That was funny. I also got in Andy's face about his [not-so] secret crush on Liz. That might of been a mean/bitchy move, but hey, I was drunk. I will not explain anything else. The pictures speak for themselves.

I walked home by myself like a drunken fool. That was really stupid. I also forced Patrick to talk to me the whole time. I was being really ridiculous that night.

I have one more final exam left. Then I am done with actually attending class. Except for film class, but I rarely attend that class. This should be a nice smooth ending for the semester. I mean, other than Capstone. I have this feeling my group is going to "butt" heads. This should be fun.

I've been applying for summer jobs like a fiend. I've applied to maybe 15 or so. I've gotten an immediate response from two. I also have an interview set up. So that's good. Things are getting done. I don't know...I'm just the kind of person that if I want something I go for it. I want money. I get a job. I don't let my laziness get in the way. I don't really understand that. I don't understand how some people can sit around and bitch that they don't like the way their life is, yet still sit on their asses and let each and every day go by. I don't really like that. I mean...to each his own, but I don't personally agree with it at all.

I got to see Ricky today. I invited him to the GSU for "linner" and to chat. We talked a bit until we were bombarded with Troupe people. It was nice. My friends and I talked about what decade (from the 1900s...it's creepy that I can say that) we actually belong in. I've been told I belong sometime in the 1960's. I agree. I don't belong now. I feel so out of place. all the time.
I feel so empty and kind of sad all of a sudden. I'm going to go.

They say your life is like a yellow brick road
That's nice, mine's like a maze
Is there some secret handshake that I do not know
'Cause I stop and ask for help and people tell me different ways
Current Location: in bed
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Without a Trace
21 March 2008 @ 01:05 am
I planned on going to bed by 1 am. Clearly, my plan didn't work. I had some homework to complete before I hit the sack. I'm all done and now I am compelled to write. Write poorly, but write nonetheless.

Today was a fairly good day. I got everything I needed to accomplished at a decent hour (1 a.m. normally I am rushing until 3-4am).

Sexual Perversity in Chicago opened today. Woo! But before I get into that...

They were having a concert at Agganis and the Student Theatre is attached. I guess their security people thought that going through our greenroom twice would get them to the stage. Negative. Ha!
I saw the three lil' munchkins. They are so cute and...SHORT. They talked to the few of us that were in the room. I was busy doing Liz's hair, but I still got a "hi" in there. They were friendly. It was exciting. WOOOO! All the guys were bitching and making fun of us (us being Sara and I. We were the only ones freaking out because we are lil kids that still watch the Disney channel hardcore). It was cute.

So yeah, Sex Perv. It went. I did work the whole time. The audience laughed. I could hear them from the greenroom. loudly. So that's good.

I finished my mainstage proposal that is due tomorrow. OH! I got selected to direct a one act with Adam (did I say this already in a previous post? I'm not even sure). That's pretty exciting. Auditions are next week. We shall see how things go. wooooooo!

I miss Patrick. I think that's why I've been so down lately. I really miss his everything. :|
I'm glad I'm crazy because it allows me to see him and be with him.

On my way to work this morning, something I listened to on my Ipod made me start crying. It made me think of my family and how much I love them.
I love how music touches the soul. my soul. thanks music!

I gotta clean up and get ready for tomorrow. I have LOTS to do this weekend. Lots of studying. Lots of...CRAP!

"I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I wanna come to
I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you"
Current Location: Hard Computer Chair
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Angels-Robin Thicke
19 March 2008 @ 11:44 pm
I want to say that I feel sad. But I'm not sure why. It's funny that I say that because the last entry was all about how I'm happy. I mean I am happy. I'm happy with life as a whole. I have a great, supportive family (although they drive me crazy about 95% of the time). I have an awesome boyfriend. I go to a good school. I bust my ass and get to do what I love (theatre). I live in a city that I love (most of the time). I have good friends (for the most part). I have fun and laugh a lot.

Today especially I have felt sad. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the fact that its crazy hell week and crazy school time.

I'm actually alright. I'll snap out of it. I just need some love.

I spent most of today designing tattoos for myself. I have come up with 5 or 6 different ones. I want all 6. I am crazy. I need money to pay for these things. I will get them somehow.

I also need to save money for a new apartment for next year.

I need to stop stressing.
I need to get fucked up.
Current Location: Computer Chair
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Television Infomercials
I need to write because I am happy. Apparently.

No, no. I am.

I'm not going to lie...I find it annoying that people remain miserable all the time, BY CHOICE. People can't "wrap their minds around the whole happiness thing." That's pretty sad. Too Bad, So Sad, Sucks to be you.
We all have are down days. Maybe weeks, months, or years. But I know NO ONE who wants to stay like that forever. Snap out of that bullshit. Things aren't so bad all the time. Smile once in a while. It's good for you. Dang Homie.

So about how I'm crazy. Yeah, crazy for you! *OH SNAP!*

I've just typed out a 6 page schedule of all the shit I need to do before Capstone due date. So for the next month and a half or so. Yay for organization and writing lists! Yay for pens that allow us to do this! Yay for laptops, printers and technology! Yay!
I always feel so much better when I have everything planned out. On paper. In black and white. (well, I like to change up the colors from time to time. keep things interesting)

I need sleep. I've been pulling half-assed all nighters. That means like 2 hours of sleep. It's the pussy bitch way of pulling an all nighter. It's pretty stupid to me. This is a declaration of me stopping those stupid all nighters unless REALLY necessary.

I bitched out film kid today. Because he was being a emo pussy bitch woman. Someone needed to tell him. It is for his own good. People don't like to be around people that are always down on themselves and beg for attention. Eff that.

Jason and I are talking.
and I am full of spirit gum, brown sharpie and black paint.

I leave you with that.

Mad Hearts.
Current Location: in my bed...alone.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: the air is still. someone open a window.
18 March 2008 @ 11:03 am
Paper down. Lab Video to go. Then Finals. Then Capstone. Then summer.

I need a real job for summer. I need really good sedatives and tranquilizers. I need a really great hug.

I need to stop complaining.

Things feel so weird now. I actually feel kind of by myself. I mean I am constantly surrounded by people, but the people that I consider my closest friends aren't talking to me for whatever reason. And by talking, I mean the way we used to. An awkward hello in the hall doesn't count as a substantial relationship. I have those with complete strangers (the awkward hello's).

I feel so alone that I had the kid from film class over last night (ok, not by COMPLETE choice...he needed a copy of the film assignment. I had it, so I let him see it.) He just stayed and talked. a lot. about nothing. and how he has no self-esteem. and no girls like him. and no one wants to hook up with him. I told him to stop whining like a girl because girls don't like guys that are insecure and have all this "me, me, me" issues with themselves. I wanted to punch him in the face. But then when I thought about when I bitch and moan, I sound like that probably. I sure as fuck hope not. I probably don't. I keep a lot to myself.
Being passive aggressive is a bitch.

I guess now that I don't have people really around me I should be able to focus, right? Not fail out of college?

I wish I were better versed. Sometimes I re-read this shit and think, "You are a complete jackass with ADD and Down Syndrome. Stop sounding like a fuck head."

I want these next two weeks to be over. I MISS FLORIDA.
Did I really just say that? I think I just miss two people. Patrick and my mom. Even as crazy as my nazi mom is, I miss her. and of course, Pat.

I could handle Boston, I just can't handle school. Why can't this just be over? I can't wait for next semester, where I think my life will be easiER. I will be taking PR classes only. Not that it will be easy, but I will be taking only classes that I WANT to.

Some retard girl just walked in with a face as red as a beet and her friend exclaims, "WOW, YOU ARE SO TAN! GET IT GIRL!" Are these white people serious?

I leave you with that.
Current Location: Boston University
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Doors opening and closing
Panic Attack.
I feel like exploding.
I feel defeated.
Surrounded by all sides and helpless.

I hate school.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate tension.
I hate problems.
I hate stress.
I hate this.

I feel like death.
Current Mood: crappyshitty
17 March 2008 @ 12:53 am
A week went by. My Spring Break. In Florida. Now I'm back in Boston rushing to finish a paper.

I had fun. Got to see Patrick, which is always a wonderful thing. Saw my immediate family. Saw one or two friends from high school. It was nice and relaxing. Slow-paced. I liked it.

My mother met Patrick. She likes him, which means a lot to me. I think she is more comfortable with the idea that I have a boyfriend and I am no longer a twelve year old (in her eyes). So that's a step in the right direction.

Every moment I spent with Patrick was great. Even when we were just sitting around. I just enjoyed being around him. We watched movies, ate foooood, slept, talked, went to an art festival in Coral Springs, saw Urinetown at Heritage, played RISK. Pretty much just chilled.

I am currently having hot flashes. REAL hot flashes. It might be my fertility shot really kickin' in. It does not feel good. I can barely focus.

And Jason is mad at me. I'm not sure why, but what I am sure about is how uneasy it makes me feel. I don't like tension and problems.
Such is life.

♥ for the one I love.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Why is it that when I hear the words from your mouth, the words I wonder so much about, I am unable to respond? I stay silent.

I want him. I need him. I just want to pack him in my suitcase (with all the proper breathing passages) and bring him back with me. now.
I can't stand this distance, but I am willing to work through it.

I love you. I care about you. I want to be with you for as long as you will take me. I love everything about you, even the things that drive me crazy. They make you the person who I am falling in love with.
I love the way we kiss. I love the way I feel when our lips touch. I love the way he hugs me. I love the way he touches me. I love the way he finds my hand when he is driving. I love the way he sings along to his music and gets so into it. I love the way he gets frustrated at his computer. I love the way he yells random Japanese phrases or words to Chris and they just go at it back and forth. I love the way he focuses on Wii Bowling. I love the way he gets excited about anything. I love the way he sleeps. I love the way he reads to me. I love the way he says my name (although it does freak me out). I really do love you. for you.

I need to speak up.

We're getting higher every time that we love
A little closer to the things we fall back on
If you come over, then together, willing
We'll take over the world
Current Mood: okayokay
08 March 2008 @ 12:04 am
Today was slow.
I didn't go to class.
Went to work. Funny story: dropped my phone in the middle of a busy intersection and watched as cars drove by barely missing the phone and prayed that my phone would stay in one piece. My phone is blessed.
Hung out with the guys. Went to Uno's. Came home.

It's raining outside, so it blended with the tears in my face as I walked home. I didn't draw much attention, which is a good thing. Nicanor and I had our weekly catch-up session. I felt like an idiot for crying, but I don't think he noticed.

I'm home now. I need to pack. I leave for Florida tomorrow. I miss Patrick. I'm falling hard, that's why it hurts so much.

I gotta go. Gonna pack and clean up this messy place.
Oh, for the record. I ♥ you. You don't need to respond. It's just the way I feel.
Current Location: solita en mi cuarto
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: raindrops
07 March 2008 @ 09:28 am
It feels good to come back to you and vent all the stupid shit that overwhelms my mind. It's early yet again. I had to wake up to submit a paper. I literally looked like a jolly green midget homeless person walking down Comm Ave. I kid you not. I know I describe myself as that often, but this time I looked like one. Legit. I literally rolled out of bed and went to drop my paper off, came back with the intention of going right back to sleep. That going back to sleep thing didn't really work out.

I opted out of going to classes today. I truly do say fuck it. I hate my film class. Loathe it really. I like my history class. I just don't feel like going to that end of campus at 1pm today when I have work at 2. I say. I've already left for spring break professors. Have a great vacation!

I re-read what I wrote this early this morning. Damn. That was all things that consumed me for a while now. Didn't touch on it until...well...early this morning, clearly. I'm glad it's out. I really don't want to touch on that stuff again. It just needed to be said. Once. Mean, Unwarranted, Ridiculous, and Brainless. All excellent words to describe my psychosis-inspired entry.

I just need faith. More faith. I'd rather learn from personal experience than rely on secondary party experiences to actualize my outlook on subjects such as relationships and love. I re-read some past entries last night. Dang, I was jaded and emo. As all hell. Shit happens I guess.

Learn to forgive. Learn to live. Learn to move on.

I think I'll catch some rest now. You will probably hear from me once more today.
It's not over, till it's over.
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood: tiredstill awake?!
Current Music: birds neurotically chirping outside
Due to my laziness and lack of inspiration to physically write in a journal any longer, I have come back to you livejournal.
Funny thing...when I opened this "post an entry" page up, there was a draft I had begun probably in the beginning of this school year. I will post it at the end of this entry. For my own entertainment in the future, clearly. Since no one reads this. Not that I'm complaining.

So quick recap since I last left you:
Second Semester Freshman Year--
1.Got significantly sicker.
2.Lost a lot of kidney function.
3. Actually started chemotherapy.
4. Decided to withdraw from Boston University and move back to Florida.
5. Literally left the night after I was released from the hospital, so I didn't get to really say goodbye to my friends. Friends who I really felt blessed for finally meeting and bonding with. Life sucked. oh and really forgot about Paul.
6.Moved back with the madre. (not so good) She put me on this ridiculous diet and I became depressed about my illness, my life, my future, myself.
7. Finished the semester from home. Got the credits. Wasn't held back from Boston University. Yay!

1. Rinska and I rekindled our friendship. We hung out a lot and really picked up where we left off (on the positive end)
2. Got a job at Applebee's (Oh Dear God. Talk about Heart Attack (in regards to the food. uh uh. not so good) But notgonnalie, I liked the people I met. I also did well as far as working and money and reputation with managers,etc.)
3. Partied A LOT
4. Continued Chemotherapy in Deerfield Beach
5. Partied A LOT. Drank. A lot. Kind of out of control. Did things out of character (or so I thought). I was kind of stupid about it. I came home LATE. I came home with "bruises" on my neck. Not so good. Especially with the Nazi mother that I have.
6. Became really upset with living in Florida and after a dream one day told my mother that I wanted to move back to Boston. Made all the phone calls. Found my way back to Boston.
7. Super excited to see all my friends! Moved back and was ready to start Sophomore year.

Fall Semester 2007 Sophomore Year--
1. Lived in the hotel on campus. Eh...Random Japanese roommate. She was sweet. but quiet. and didn't speak much english. Plus (not to sound bitchy) but I had my friends established so i just hung out with them (dang, look at that run-on).
2. Got together with Tatchi, Nicanor, Jason, and Bryant. Saw them almost every day. Eventually moved into their quad. It was always the 6 of us (Kannica being the OTHER roommate). Many good times. Lots of laughs.
3. Partied a lot more than freshman year. Got significantly DRUNK. projejctile vomitted all over the quad. several times.
4. Got cast in Midsummer. Became a REAL troupie.
5. Made lots of new freshman and troupie friends.
6. Crazy single-ness. Stupid boys: Josh and Steve.
7. Midsummer Cast Party. 'nuff said.
8. Continued health stuff, chemo, etc.
9. Did well in school. sort of. when i wanted to.
10. Work at Huntington Theatre in the Education Department. Wooo!
11. Saw Courtney less. Out of the Berklee scene for the most part.
12. Really involved in Troupe.
13. Directed with Wandering Minds. BAD MISTAKE.
14. Party Party Party.
15. Spent Thanksgiving in Boston with Courtney. Felt sick for most of it, due to chemo.
16. Started talking to Paul again (in a friendly way)
17. On my way home to Florida for Christmas Break.

Christmas Break 2007
1. Home. Family. Sterling. Happiness (temporary)
2. Partied a little bit with friends. Not really. Pretty much a loner. Lost touch with a lot of high school friends.
3. Met a guy,Patrick, at the one random party I went to while I was in Florida. Out of character [again], or so I thought. Crushed, hardcore.
4. Hung out with Patrick as much as the Nazi let me. New Years, Hang out, etc.
5. Problems at home, but what's new?
6. Saw Eric once or twice.
7. Saw Cueva. Blast from the Past.
9. Drunken Stupidity=Blackout=Come home late=Nuclear Holocaust at Home
10.Ready to go back to Boston.
11. Fly back HOME (Boston) right after an awkward argument about virginity and birth control with my mother.
12. Flight.

Spring Semester 2008 Sophomore Year--
1. Jew Show=DEATH...quit eventually.
2. Troupe stuff. Clearly I am a hardcore troupie or something.
3. School or something.
4. Guys in their new apartment in Allston because they got kicked out last semester (forgot to mention that)
5. Single Apartment in South
6. Don't see the guys as much.
7. Party with various crowds.
8. Good friends with Ellie and Alex and other Troupe people.
9. Start dating Patrick after differences.
10. Happy overall.
11. Mom is still a cunt most of the time.
12. Yell at and Hang up on my dad for the first time in my life.
13. Patrick comes and visits me. More good than bad. It made me happy.
14. I visited Patrick. I had a great time.
15. Ingrid Michaelson
16. Reader's Theatre-Poona the Fuckdog
17. Today.

That took longer and required more thinking than I thought it would. I didn't realize how eventful that year really was. Clearly, I didn't think beforehand.
I plan on pulling an all nighter. I need to REALLY complete my editing of my Abortion Paper. I edited it and it's done, but I want to add some finishing touches. I'm very uninspired. Instead, I sit here watching Human Nature on IFC and updating you.

As you can see (you being the future me?) this entry is SIGNIFICANTLY longer than any. And prepare for more. I really want an opportunity to vent. about everything. I will say something, then apologize. I will bitch and whine, then I will yell at myself. Don't mind me. I am a bit crazy. a bit neurotic. and VERY scatterbrained. Clearly, some of my mother has rubbed off on me.

So...what's on my mind? A lot of doubt. Not about anyone in particular [really], but more on myself.
There are days when I'm happy with myself. Those days don't come as often as the days when I'm really down on myself. I don't blame it on anyone but myself. I need to stop my shit. But I always compare myself to others, especially in relationships. I like to be open. I like to talk about the past. But then with all the knowledge I have, I just use it to hurt myself and think too much. I think that that is what you want. I always feel like in some way I am the rebound person, in every situation I've ever been in. I've just had really bad luck. REALLY bad luck. Ask my friends...as Tatchi says "booze and guys are infallible." That was a silly facebook post, and it stuck with me. How sad.

I am currently involved in a relationship with Patrick. We met not too long ago (about 3 months ago). Started dating a month ago or so. He makes me happy. Made me happy from really early on in knowing him. Made me feel different and good about myself. Different, especially for a sick girl who lost all self esteem once so much changed about her. My body, my moods, my relationships with friends, family, etc. Most for the worst. But I guess, Patrick has nothing to compare to (as far as my past). So, I guess that's good. We are different. Significantly. So I wonder why he likes me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or bothered that he likes me. Not even close. The thought of him really makes me happy.

I've felt before for people. I have. I won't disregard the past, but this does feel different. but if I scroll down my old posts and read...I'm sure I've said the same fucking thing there. "This is different. He makes me feel different. blah blah blah." I fucking mean it. [And I'm sure I've said that somewhere too] Whatever. I don't have to prove it to anyone. I know what's what. So fuck you. (clearly, you being the future me. lovely)

He told me he loved me ("in the early stages of love") about...a week ago? I'm not sure when. When I went down to visit him. It upset me. I'm not going to lie. Not initially and not because he said he loves me. It was just because he was drunk. and the next time he told me, he was drunk again. How's that supposed to make me feel? When you're drunk you love me? Shit, when I'm drunk I love everyone too. I cried. I'm a pussy bitch. He told me he loved me when we woke up in the morning and when I left to fly back to Boston, maybe once more on the phone while I was up here. Sober. But never again. I'm not mad. There is no reason I should be mad. I just don't want someone telling me that if they don't mean it. I wonder why he hasn't said anything since then. I mean, I'm not going to lie...I haven't been the most lovable person lately and I don't exactly ever initiate the maxim. A lot of the reason I don't say anything first ever is because it really did stick with me that he told me that drunk. Twice. I need to stop my shit. and not give him the notion that I don't care. Because that is far from true. and when I responded to his declaration, I meant every word of it. I still do. I hate that I feel so much and I am still so stubborn about the whole situation. Why can't I take things like a grain of salt?

Sometimes I find myself being really reserved in emotions. That makes things hard to read and hard for the other individual. And I'm selfish because I just want THEM to open up and me do none of the work. Can you say lazy? Can you say selfish? I can. Lazy and Selfish. I certainly have been acting that way.

I got frustrated with him the other night. I got frustrated because I felt that his habits were so constant and the only time I ever got to significantly talk to him was during the times he ever called me influenced. I know we talked sporadically during the day, but I wanted to be able to go home, hop into bed and just talk. damn, i feel like I'm needy. I need to stop that bullshit. We all have needs, I know. shit, I'm human...but I need not bitch and moan about it. I guess I really don't. My passive aggressive ass just bottles it up and vent it all to Jason. That's not fair. Because finally someone is asking what's wrong and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid to lose him with my petty bullshit. I am so afraid because I'm scared he doesn't really love me. let alone like me. FUCK.

To be honest, the whole ex girlfriend thing bugged me. FUCK! Solange, I hate it when you bitch. I sound crazy. I'm a crazy person. Honestly, I'm cool with the whole ex thing (wait is there an echo in here? am I completely contradicting myself?). I am. Initially. It just doesn't settle well in my stomach when I know how he still feels about her. He cares. Which is not a bad thing at all. It's not. I mean I care. about people. about exes. We all have care. If we didn't we are either cold and bitter or just not human. Both could work. But at the same time being bitter is caring, just not put to good use.

Let's just say I remember everything. Everything. Even when I'm "drunk" which I am at times...But if I'm not blackout retarded, I won't forget. I remember when he told me that he loves her, but he not "in love" with her. Ok. I nod and agree. that is ok i tell myself. Because it is. I mentioned this to jason tonight in conversation and he flipped a shit. It was probably the black man in him...well he IS a black man, but whatever. He told me that he wouldn't tell someone he cared about currently about loving an ex. I mean. We all have love to share. Make love not war, right? ITS OK TO CARE. I feel like him and I got together pretty soon after his ex girlfriend, his love, his everything broke apart.

He wants to move up here. Initially, YES! Think about it, UNEASY. Why am I so worried that I'm just a placeholder for his ex girlfriend? We all have a history. We all have a past. We all have baggage. We are all fucking human. I can go back even on this damn journal and read my past entries. my past "loves," "likes," or "crushes." Why is him feeling for someone else not ok? Cut that shit out, Solange.

I just need to calm down. I need to chill the fuck out. Everything is ok. TRUST. Solange, you must trust. When he tells me what he tells me. He means it. Don't think twice. Stop being so worried. He claims he is a worrier. Oh boy has he met his match.
I just hate that there is distance. I hate that I feel like I am helpless in our relationship because I can't see him, feel him, be around him, anything.

I also realize things are still new. relatively really new. I must be patient and trust.

I don't want to lose something that is this real and good. I'm scared. But I fear that my fear will be the demise of this one good thing.

God, I wish I took my own advice sometimes. I better cut that shit out and get some sense again.

I write about all these bad times. Well, not really "bad times"...all these negative, worried feelings. I have enjoyed a significant amount of time with him. I hope he doesn't grow bored of me. I know I'm not that interesting sometimes. I can be rather lame. I need to become more interesting. Like a well written book. So, he doesn't lose interest. HAHA. I love it how I say this like it's on my "to-do list" for tomorrow. Wow, I am a crazy.

This is what I have concluded as a result of that BABBLE and RANT:

Alright, I'll work on it. Definitely work on it.

Now onto other things (because I didn't bore you enough with that rant):
OH MAN. I am so uninspired. So fucking uninspired to do this whole schooling thing. I just want to jump right into life. work. life. career. life.
I am so impatient. I am one of the most impatient, stubborn people I know. And I know A LOT of people like that.

[Sidenote] Cameron Diaz looks ridiculous in Being John Malkovich. And I want to watch Human Nature in full one of these days. I love independent films.

Speaking of film, I'm not a film major anymore. Public Relations Baby! My mother would be so pissed to know that I changed it again. But who cares, right? It's not her future. It's mine. I have to be happy with what I'm studying.
Good Conscience. I'm glad we settled that.

I am pretty involved in Troupe, like I mentioned before. I want to run for E-Board. i want to pitch a show for next semester to direct. I want to direct. I pitched a show for one acts this semester. We'll see how that goes.

Spring break is soon. I fly back tomorrow night (since it is 2:23am Friday as I write this). I'm not going to lie. I'm excited, but I'm not. I'm not excited because I'm staying with my mother, the crazy Nazi. She will anticipate all of my attention and give me bullshit that "I don't spend time with my brother," or "We don't do anything as a family." When i will try to introduce Patrick, she will be bitter and judgmental. She will not like the idea of meeting some this soon. I'm scared to have this crazy fuck meet him. I wish my mom were like a normal, nice mother. Accepting. Open. NOT Judgmental. Nice. Y'Know? The Usual. I hate to bring this up, but I will anyways because I clearly don't hate it that much.
I have a lot of friends. They have a lot of mothers (well each of them do heh). Their mothers accept their significant others. They invite them to dinner. They invite them to family events. They don't mind the growth of a relationship. My mother, on the other hand...is crazy and latin.
How did I get to be so lucky?

This whole entry is so grammatically incorrect and the syntax is awful. Welcome to my Brain.

I swear I have no mental issues. I hope.

Good job convincing myself...ONCE AGAIN.

[Old Draft that I found...boring, but whatever.]

"Dang Homie. Long long long long long long time.
I tried the whole actual journal thing. I like it. Don't get me wrong. but I just forget to update it. Since I am ALWAYS on the computer (at least while in school) updating online is a lot easier.
So I plan on starting this up again. I still need to save and print these entries I have so many of em. Damn. What a whiny little shit I am. Anyways.

It's been months. Even months since I updated in my real journal. I've just been so busy. Lots has happened too. It's crazy.

In a nutshell...I love it up here in Boston. I never thought I would say that, but I do. I'm having SO much fun this year! I've been crazy and bad and living it up. So awesome! I pierced my nose, then took it out, and im going to re-pierce it. And I'm planning on getting a tattoo soon. for my 19th birthday. I'm really excited! Yes!

I've made new friends. both boys and girls.
and I've gotten a new, real crush. not the bullshit kind. But it IS kind of bullshit because I know he doesnt like me or wouldnt pursue anything past the physical. which sucks. Damn. "
Current Location: Boston. Apartment.
Current Mood: relievedIt's been a while.
Current Music: Being John Malkovich on TV
14 March 2007 @ 10:37 pm
youd be so suprised that I am SO much better now.

I'm happy again.
For me. and only me.
Also, I started writing (physically) in a journal again. I think I will continue there. I'm gonna print all my LJ posts and make an actual journal of the past couple years. interesting.

S'yeah. I feel good. Thank God.
12 March 2007 @ 11:23 pm
So this week will be going by pretty fast...
which sucks.

I don't want to go back to Boston.
But some good news...
UCF's transfer application deadline isn't till July 1st. So I have time to apply there as well. I'm really happy about that.
It's final. Even if UMiami rejects me I'm moving back. No more Boston for me.

I'm gonna vent something...I just need to.
I know I've said I'm ok. I know I've said I'm fine. That it doesn't bother me. It's just funny to me how easily you say you care and how easily you say feel a certain way and then how easily it is for you to forget. I love it how once things are done, you go right back to the same girl or girls you fooled with. It's just funny to me. It's funny because it truly makes me question everything you ever said or did. Like I've said before I'm not mad or angry at you, I'm just hurt because everything feels like a lie. an investment in vain. I guess I'm just too old in my head and heart. I'm not some immature teen. Per Se. I mean I AM. But I'm not. At least not when it comes to relationships. And you are. I truly wish you the best. I just hope you don't hurt someone else. Or vice versa. I know that you have found consolement in other girls and you talk. I don't appreciate that. at all. But I have no control over that. You will do what you will do. You say you will make an effort to be my friend. Which is bullshit because you will still talk about me to your other girl people and it will then be an obligation to you for you to attempt to be my friend. Honestly. Let's pretend none of this ever happened. Please don't bother. You have a lot of growing up to do. Who am I kidding? I guess I do too. Either that or I just have to wait for either me to catch up with someone or someone to catch up with me. I bet it will never happen.

Every relationship that I ever looked up to around me is disintegrating. I don't believe in relationships anymore. I don't believe in marriage. And I don't believe in love. I've been let down too many times. What's the point anymore?

I just want to be happy.
Right now. with everything going on in my life. I just need a true friend. I don't even have that. I've honestly considered giving up. Giving up on life. Just stop taking my medicine. Stop caring. Stop living for anyone. or even myself. because there is no one worth living for anymore. Just slowly rot in a hospital bed. I could if I wanted to. I almost did last week. My life is literally in my control. And that's a scary thing to know. a scary thing to have control over.

I just think this is karma. I guess I'm truly an awful person who doesn't deserve anything good. I go to a college I'm miserable at. I am an average student even though I bust my ass everyday to get shit grades. My health is slowly deteriorating. My dad doesn't care. I have no REAL, SUBSTANTIAL friends. I guess I deserve that. I've never been good to anyone apparently. I don't deserve to be happy. I'm going to burst.
I'm really hurting.
I wish things didn't end up this way.
I have no one to really talk to.
I need to move away and never look back.
I wish I could get my slate wiped clean. Just all my memory erased. So I have nothing to dwell on. nothing to compare.
I am nothing.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
10 March 2007 @ 01:27 am
I can't sleep. I feel kinda bad because my laptop isn't connecting to the internet and I'm in my mom's room using her computer. I'm sure the light is bothering her. But I need to vent. I need to let stuff out.

I have an all too familiar feeling. One that happens once I feel I have lost a friend. a companion. I hate that I am really good "friends" with this feeling. All too familiar. I felt this way summer before sophomore year. then when i felt like i lost janelle as a friend. then now. its like when i invest so much of myself in a friendship or relationship with anyone its all a waste. I shouldn't think of it as a waste, right? nah.

This is gonna be another long ramble. I'm being ADD and checkin my facebook and email while i write this. hmmm...

I'm just being emotional and moody and sensitive. Why though? I guess it's because I felt for so long that I had someone there or at least friends or something and now I feel like I lost everything over night. I know I didn't and I'm just being emo. But I can't help feel this way.

I saw Zodiac tonight with my dad and Sofia. It was...long. but Good. I liked it. I saw lots of people from Heritage that I graduated with. Awkward. I kinda wish I was friends with them again. I hate that I'm a complicated person. I just make things harder on myself. especially regarding friendships.

I called Andres tonight. I need to make more of an effort with the whole keeping in touch thing. Especially with people I consider such good friends. I truly do.

I just want to be happy. Sometimes I make it close, but it's still a long shot. Damnit.


I hate it that I can't sleep. Someone make me smile. I need to go out and have fun. meet new people and forget.

I'm ok. Yeah. I'm ok.
I wish you luck and happiness.

I wish that upon myself as well.

"i'm not gonna cry,
i'll be happy next time, happy next time.
i'm the toy boat in your tub,
isn't it fun to let me sink?"
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
09 March 2007 @ 12:44 pm
To be honest I feel better. I was angry and hurt, but for what? I saw it coming. I knew it wouldn't work. And now I feel perfectly fine. I know this is a bit harsh, but I don't really want anything to do with him. Because that seems like it will just cause problems. Everything I was told before seems like a lie or fabrication now. I may be overreacting, but thats ok. let me deal. haha. I dont hate anyone. But I am no longer mad.

So I'm back home. In Florida. Thank goodness. I still have to take all my midterms. which sucks, but thats ok.
I like it that I am home and spending time with my family. I miss them a lot.

ok, well im out.
06 March 2007 @ 05:50 pm
I'll get into it more deeply later.

I just got back from the hospital. I was there for four days. I hate hospitals.
I hate being sick.
I go home tomorrow.

I'm pretty happy about that.

Someone hurt me. a lot. but life goes on.
03 March 2007 @ 07:37 pm
I am sick like a dog.


and I'm still hurting...
02 March 2007 @ 11:13 am
I feel like an idiot. I slept through my class. But I am sick. and my throat is swollen shut.
27 February 2007 @ 03:57 pm
I'm over all of this.
I'm going to bed.
once again.
27 February 2007 @ 10:52 am
So I slept for a significantly long time yesterday. Dang. I fell asleep in Jason's room for two hours. then I came up to my room to sleep more. I woke up around 10 am. I slept from...5-7 then 9:30-10am. Geez. I've been really tired lately. I had to wake up early to do homework. now I'm done. I have an hour until class.

I tried adding blue highlights to my hair, but my hair is too dark. I need a professional to do it.

School is hard. I can't wait till spring break. I just want to sleep in my bed at home and spend time with my family.

I don't find out about Miami until forever it seems. I have this gut feeling that I will end up staying here at BU. Not so bad, I guess. (I know I've said that before in many entries)

You know what bothers me? people that read my LJ and feel the need to refer to it in real life. Like in everyday conversation. Damnit. I know this is public and I'm not writing things that are really personal, but I mean to make your comments...Honestly...that is why I removed comments from my LJ. seriously, read it if u must but shut the fuck up. please.

Some people really annoy me. With their condescending tone and their need to ALWAYS fucking talk and be heard and recognized. Where is the humility? The two of you seriously need to stop.
You both are NOT always right. Get over it.

And as for this 'relationship' thing...I don't even know anymore. i've approached you with my issues (the problems) and they arent being fixed. The way I look at it, we are still young and I shouldn't be bored this early in the relationship AND I shouldn't feel like I'm putting the most weight. So I don't think this will work. Sorry.

Ok, I'm done.
22 February 2007 @ 09:20 pm
I kind of want to be alone again.
I'm not happy.
at all.

i'm bored.
for many reasons.

I'm too young to be bored this early. So I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Anyways, School has kept me busy. Just trying to do my thing and if necessary make accommodations for BU next year. Not to be negative, but i have this serious feeling that I will not get into UMiami. It's okay, though. Life goes on.

I'm bored and I'm going to find something to do. Later.
17 February 2007 @ 02:11 pm
So. It's Saturday afternoon. I didnt get to sleep until around 3:30 am or so last night/this morning. This past week has been pretty tough. At least test-wise. And I better get used to it because a lot of coming really soon. More tests. PAPERS. Projects. Readings. etc. etc. Spring Break is slowly approaching. I know it's gonna be pretty boring. I'm prolly just going to stay home and be lame. I kind of want to go to Island of Adventures with my little brother. That would be awesome. Or even with my friends...but I kind of want to do more with my brother. I like my brother quite a bit (obviously) but I mean he's really a cool kid. You can actually have pretty decent conversations with him. And he's only 9. well, turning 10 really soon. I really miss him. Him and his round self.

I wish he had more self confidence that would work in his favor. I mean I dunno. And the damn little girls are so mean at his age...come middle school they are demons. But that's okay because Aaron is going to find awesome friends. Clean, awesome friends. Non-drug users. Yup. I got faith.

I also miss my little suedo-sister [cousin] Savannah. It is so cute because she will call me to tell me about her dance competitions and shows. She is so darn cute. Reminds me of me when I was little. Bossy. Little. Talented (LMAO...she is talented. I thought I was. haha) She's so cute.

But the winner...is my future husband when we move to...HOLY CRAP. in the state of Florida you can marry your first cousin. So I guess Sterling and I must set a date. I'M JUST KIDDING. He is just so darn cute. I want to squeeze him. But that might kill him. Because he is only a small small baby. well not so "small" he's rather large. haha. and I love it.

I'm so procrastinating. I really just have no motivation to do work. Thank goodness this weekend is a three day weekend. So that means I can procrastinate today and do everything 2morrow and still be okay. Not rushed. But I won't. I'll so SOMETHING today.

Well, maybe I should get to that. yeah. I think so.
15 February 2007 @ 05:05 pm
I'm pretty okay now.
It snowed yesterday...and hailed. and classes were cancelled. Yum. Delish.

I'm just chilling (more like freezing). This whole college thing is beating me in the ass. I am working so hard. I hate school

12 February 2007 @ 11:13 pm
Well I have all of three minutes to update, because I want to get to bed by 11:15. I have an early doctor's appointment AND an exam 2morrow at noon. This semester is going alright. I'm busting my ass as usual. I hate universities that are hard. I mean that's what I get for going to somewhere like this. a prestigious institution [I don't mean to sound like a pompous imbecile] but seriously, I know that it would be easier and less pressure if I went to a small state school. Fuckers.

I'm thinking of piercing my nose. We'll see. I'm also auditioning [hopefully] for an independant film and to work in a children's entertainment company. Cool.

Well one more minute...
sleepy time.
my dad hasnt called in a week. I kind of find it funny. I changed the address for my doctors so he wont be bothered with medical stuff. basically, i just erased him from all of that. because all he did was bitch. and I have enough friggin stress.

I also can't stand a certain someone. Someone needs to either punch her in the face or tell her off. I'm about to do both. I'm sick of her egotism and her "brilliance". Fucking Wonderwoman. Seriously, bite me.

Wow, I have way too much anger in my heart.
I can't wait to go home.
I need heat. I hate this weather.
Current Mood: sleepysleep
07 February 2007 @ 11:26 pm
OK. So I am calmer now. Breath. right? I feel better. I needed that vent.

On a funnier/unfortunate note...
Some kid got hit by a car in front of of Warren yesterday (that's the unfortunate part).
And his shoes FLEW OFF! That's the hilarious part! Yay, reference to Dane Cook. When one girl (who was a witness to the tragic event)retold the story she did not fail to leave out the part of this kid's shoes flying off. Even the Daily Free Press made mention to it. lol. I can't believe this makes me giggle. "sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your PANTS will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion..." hahahahha. Gotta love Mr. Cook. "You are not an American if you don't love Mr. Cook." AHHHH Another Reference to DerrickComedy. Gotta love those boys too.

Ok, so I'm back in the routine. Getting used to school again. And now I must hit the hay. Got a long day 2morrow. Damnit. Later, beeches.
Current Mood: okayokay
05 February 2007 @ 05:38 pm
I'm so angry right now.
I'm seriously ready to punch a fucking hole in the wall or break something. And the thing is...why? I really shouldn't be this angry. I don't really have much reason to be.
My mom called me. Well no. My dad called me, then my mom called me. First and foremost, I was in class when my dad called. And to be completely frank, I avoid talking to my dad. I hate awkward conversations that are insincere and forced. (I'll get into that in a minute). So I call my mom back. Fucking, my mom tells me that my dad is flipping a shit because he is getting my medical appointment reminders in the mail. Big FUCKING deal. Throw it away. It's not like he has to pay for the mail to be sent to his fucking prized possession mansion on a fucking third world country sad excuse for an island (I'm angry...I love St. Croix don't get me wrong. I'm just so fed up with him). I seriously need to vent on many things.

MANY THINGS. First my dad. What the fucking hell. He has NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. DID i mention NEVER? been a REAL fucking dad. He doesn't know how. He has lived with my step sister...sure that's cute and all, but he's not her dad. maybe more so than mine, but he's not hers. he doesn't need to be. and he sure as fuck isn't mine. Sure he pays his "child support". Sure. that doesn't make him a fucking father. I'm sorry. Honestly, I would much rather not know him. not have any contact with him. I am so sick and tired of all he does is complain. I'm sorry I'm fucking sick. ok? If I could have it any other way I would. I don't want to hear it from anyone telling me "he loves you" "he is really proud of you" BULLFUCKINGSHIT. ok? He wouldn't know shit about me if he wasn't reminded. Don't get me wrong I know he has his own trials and tribulations going on in his own pathetic life. and I'm not asking for him to thrive off of my life or stalk me. Sure he calls. More so now because of I dunno I guess because he actually experienced a weekend of me in the hospital and feels guilty. But our conversations are bullshit. I hate talking to him. I truly do. Shit he hardly knows how to be a fucking man. All this shit that he let happen to me. from the fucking beginning. and Me being the dumbass that I am was always afraid of making him feel sad or bad for anything. I gave my mom so much shit and him nothing. When my mother was protecting me and actually being a responsible parent, while this fuckhead's wife treated me like shit and did NOTHING to try and make me feel comfortable or wanted while around them. She is a condescending, ignorant (OMG SO IGNORANT...it's really sad...entertaining after the fact, but sad nonetheless), rude person. She really is. I hate to say it. I think she is a wonderful mother to her daughter. Only her. Though. My dad let's her talk to me like I'm nothing. But then again...that's how she talks to everyone for the most part. That low class St. Croix ghetto talk. It's really unbecoming. I have to say. I know what happened today has nothing to do with her. I'm not hating on her (ok, I am sort of). But I have all this built up anger. My dad...I saw his true colors when he came up here to Boston. I don't think I felt like more shit than that in a while...and he succeeded magnificently in doing so. [not so sure that sentence made any sense...I'm just stream of consciousness...going with the flow]. I honestly want to punch him in the face. Fucking disney dad. I don't want shit from him. anymore. I know if I were to call him and ask him for something...days later he will call and bitch that he had to give me or help me with something. He tells me that if I need money or anything let him know...but when my mother asks him for assistance....FUCKING assistance...not the everything from the bill...with medical bills he bitches. She asked him to pay a measily $250 dollars or something small like that...small in comparison to the nearly $7000 dollars my mom has to pay on her fucking own. ok? Seriously. That is bullshit. And for Sofia's spring break...where are they going? Florida...why? Because they want a fucking other smelly shitty dog. Another rodent. So they can spend...I dunno a couple hundred on another liability and a roundtrip ticket to get this thing, but his first fucking priority...or so one would think...is a burden. He needs a fucking reality check. I don't want him at my college graduation. I don't want him at my wedding. I don't want him at anything. I don't want him. Period. Point Blank. When my mom called me...I was so upset I started crying. I got so worked up. I know it was nothing really to cry about [this incident in particular] but it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. the fucking cherry on top.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to hear from him. I really don't.

And to top things off. I don't know how to feel anymore. It's like there is this uncomfortable comfortableness in my relationship. Nothing exciting about it anymore. I'm just so bored. I hate to say it. But I am. I don't want to be. but I am. Nothing to talk about anymore. No effort to make things worth it anymore. That really upsets me. Because I really do try. I'm so over this. If this continues...I don't know what I am going to do. I hate being miserable. I don't fucking deserve it. ok? I'm sorry. Selfish as that may sound, I'm working too fucking hard for a future that's worthwhile and makes me happy. I shouldn't have to settle. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT DAMNIT. FUCKING TRY. GROW UP, MATURE A BIT, and actually MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT. Harsh. I know, but...I'm angry and upset. and shit, this is my space for me to whatever I so choose.

I'm also angry because I try so fucking hard in school. I go to classes. Ok last week I didn't go to one class. or whatever. one day. first day ever I skipped because I didn't feel well AND i was severely stressed. But other than that I am responsible and I fucking do EVERYTHING I need to do. Why isn't it FUCKING paying off?!>rtghjkdlsfakdhldf

I am so angry. I can't stress that enough. I have a headache now.
I have an assload of homework. I should get to that.
Current Mood: angryangry