Due to my laziness and lack of inspiration to physically write in a journal any longer, I have come back to you livejournal.
Funny thing...when I opened this "post an entry" page up, there was a draft I had begun probably in the beginning of this school year. I will post it at the end of this entry. For my own entertainment in the future, clearly. Since no one reads this. Not that I'm complaining.
So quick recap since I last left you:
Second Semester Freshman Year--
1.Got significantly sicker.
2.Lost a lot of kidney function.
3. Actually started chemotherapy.
4. Decided to withdraw from Boston University and move back to Florida.
5. Literally left the night after I was released from the hospital, so I didn't get to really say goodbye to my friends. Friends who I really felt blessed for finally meeting and bonding with. Life sucked. oh and really forgot about Paul.
6.Moved back with the madre. (not so good) She put me on this ridiculous diet and I became depressed about my illness, my life, my future, myself.
7. Finished the semester from home. Got the credits. Wasn't held back from Boston University. Yay!
1. Rinska and I rekindled our friendship. We hung out a lot and really picked up where we left off (on the positive end)
2. Got a job at Applebee's (Oh Dear God. Talk about Heart Attack (in regards to the food. uh uh. not so good) But notgonnalie, I liked the people I met. I also did well as far as working and money and reputation with managers,etc.)
3. Partied A LOT
4. Continued Chemotherapy in Deerfield Beach
5. Partied A LOT. Drank. A lot. Kind of out of control. Did things out of character (or so I thought). I was kind of stupid about it. I came home LATE. I came home with "bruises" on my neck. Not so good. Especially with the Nazi mother that I have.
6. Became really upset with living in Florida and after a dream one day told my mother that I wanted to move back to Boston. Made all the phone calls. Found my way back to Boston.
7. Super excited to see all my friends! Moved back and was ready to start Sophomore year.
Fall Semester 2007 Sophomore Year--
1. Lived in the hotel on campus. Eh...Random Japanese roommate. She was sweet. but quiet. and didn't speak much english. Plus (not to sound bitchy) but I had my friends established so i just hung out with them (dang, look at that run-on).
2. Got together with Tatchi, Nicanor, Jason, and Bryant. Saw them almost every day. Eventually moved into their quad. It was always the 6 of us (Kannica being the OTHER roommate). Many good times. Lots of laughs.
3. Partied a lot more than freshman year. Got significantly DRUNK. projejctile vomitted all over the quad. several times.
4. Got cast in Midsummer. Became a REAL troupie.
5. Made lots of new freshman and troupie friends.
6. Crazy single-ness. Stupid boys: Josh and Steve.
7. Midsummer Cast Party. 'nuff said.
8. Continued health stuff, chemo, etc.
9. Did well in school. sort of. when i wanted to.
10. Work at Huntington Theatre in the Education Department. Wooo!
11. Saw Courtney less. Out of the Berklee scene for the most part.
12. Really involved in Troupe.
13. Directed with Wandering Minds. BAD MISTAKE.
14. Party Party Party.
15. Spent Thanksgiving in Boston with Courtney. Felt sick for most of it, due to chemo.
16. Started talking to Paul again (in a friendly way)
17. On my way home to Florida for Christmas Break.
Christmas Break 2007
1. Home. Family. Sterling. Happiness (temporary)
2. Partied a little bit with friends. Not really. Pretty much a loner. Lost touch with a lot of high school friends.
3. Met a guy,Patrick, at the one random party I went to while I was in Florida. Out of character [again], or so I thought. Crushed, hardcore.
4. Hung out with Patrick as much as the Nazi let me. New Years, Hang out, etc.
5. Problems at home, but what's new?
6. Saw Eric once or twice.
7. Saw Cueva. Blast from the Past.
9. Drunken Stupidity=Blackout=Come home late=Nuclear Holocaust at Home
10.Ready to go back to Boston.
11. Fly back HOME (Boston) right after an awkward argument about virginity and birth control with my mother.
Spring Semester 2008 Sophomore Year--
1. Jew Show=DEATH...quit eventually.
2. Troupe stuff. Clearly I am a hardcore troupie or something.
3. School or something.
4. Guys in their new apartment in Allston because they got kicked out last semester (forgot to mention that)
5. Single Apartment in South
6. Don't see the guys as much.
7. Party with various crowds.
8. Good friends with Ellie and Alex and other Troupe people.
9. Start dating Patrick after differences.
10. Happy overall.
11. Mom is still a cunt most of the time.
12. Yell at and Hang up on my dad for the first time in my life.
13. Patrick comes and visits me. More good than bad. It made me happy.
14. I visited Patrick. I had a great time.
15. Ingrid Michaelson
16. Reader's Theatre-Poona the Fuckdog
That took longer and required more thinking than I thought it would. I didn't realize how eventful that year really was. Clearly, I didn't think beforehand.
I plan on pulling an all nighter. I need to REALLY complete my editing of my Abortion Paper. I edited it and it's done, but I want to add some finishing touches. I'm very uninspired. Instead, I sit here watching Human Nature on IFC and updating you.
As you can see (you being the future me?) this entry is SIGNIFICANTLY longer than any. And prepare for more. I really want an opportunity to vent. about everything. I will say something, then apologize. I will bitch and whine, then I will yell at myself. Don't mind me. I am a bit crazy. a bit neurotic. and VERY scatterbrained. Clearly, some of my mother has rubbed off on me.
So...what's on my mind? A lot of doubt. Not about anyone in particular [really], but more on myself.
There are days when I'm happy with myself. Those days don't come as often as the days when I'm really down on myself. I don't blame it on anyone but myself. I need to stop my shit. But I always compare myself to others, especially in relationships. I like to be open. I like to talk about the past. But then with all the knowledge I have, I just use it to hurt myself and think too much. I think that that is what you want. I always feel like in some way I am the rebound person, in every situation I've ever been in. I've just had really bad luck. REALLY bad luck. Ask my friends...as Tatchi says "booze and guys are infallible." That was a silly facebook post, and it stuck with me. How sad.
I am currently involved in a relationship with Patrick. We met not too long ago (about 3 months ago). Started dating a month ago or so. He makes me happy. Made me happy from really early on in knowing him. Made me feel different and good about myself. Different, especially for a sick girl who lost all self esteem once so much changed about her. My body, my moods, my relationships with friends, family, etc. Most for the worst. But I guess, Patrick has nothing to compare to (as far as my past). So, I guess that's good. We are different. Significantly. So I wonder why he likes me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or bothered that he likes me. Not even close. The thought of him really makes me happy.
I've felt before for people. I have. I won't disregard the past, but this does feel different. but if I scroll down my old posts and read...I'm sure I've said the same fucking thing there. "This is different. He makes me feel different. blah blah blah." I fucking mean it. [And I'm sure I've said that somewhere too] Whatever. I don't have to prove it to anyone. I know what's what. So fuck you. (clearly, you being the future me. lovely)
He told me he loved me ("in the early stages of love") about...a week ago? I'm not sure when. When I went down to visit him. It upset me. I'm not going to lie. Not initially and not because he said he loves me. It was just because he was drunk. and the next time he told me, he was drunk again. How's that supposed to make me feel? When you're drunk you love me? Shit, when I'm drunk I love everyone too. I cried. I'm a pussy bitch. He told me he loved me when we woke up in the morning and when I left to fly back to Boston, maybe once more on the phone while I was up here. Sober. But never again. I'm not mad. There is no reason I should be mad. I just don't want someone telling me that if they don't mean it. I wonder why he hasn't said anything since then. I mean, I'm not going to lie...I haven't been the most lovable person lately and I don't exactly ever initiate the maxim. A lot of the reason I don't say anything first ever is because it really did stick with me that he told me that drunk. Twice. I need to stop my shit. and not give him the notion that I don't care. Because that is far from true. and when I responded to his declaration, I meant every word of it. I still do. I hate that I feel so much and I am still so stubborn about the whole situation. Why can't I take things like a grain of salt?
Sometimes I find myself being really reserved in emotions. That makes things hard to read and hard for the other individual. And I'm selfish because I just want THEM to open up and me do none of the work. Can you say lazy? Can you say selfish? I can. Lazy and Selfish. I certainly have been acting that way.
I got frustrated with him the other night. I got frustrated because I felt that his habits were so constant and the only time I ever got to significantly talk to him was during the times he ever called me influenced. I know we talked sporadically during the day, but I wanted to be able to go home, hop into bed and just talk. damn, i feel like I'm needy. I need to stop that bullshit. We all have needs, I know. shit, I'm human...but I need not bitch and moan about it. I guess I really don't. My passive aggressive ass just bottles it up and vent it all to Jason. That's not fair. Because finally someone is asking what's wrong and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid to lose him with my petty bullshit. I am so afraid because I'm scared he doesn't really love me. let alone like me. FUCK.
To be honest, the whole ex girlfriend thing bugged me. FUCK! Solange, I hate it when you bitch. I sound crazy. I'm a crazy person. Honestly, I'm cool with the whole ex thing (wait is there an echo in here? am I completely contradicting myself?). I am. Initially. It just doesn't settle well in my stomach when I know how he still feels about her. He cares. Which is not a bad thing at all. It's not. I mean I care. about people. about exes. We all have care. If we didn't we are either cold and bitter or just not human. Both could work. But at the same time being bitter is caring, just not put to good use.
Let's just say I remember everything. Everything. Even when I'm "drunk" which I am at times...But if I'm not blackout retarded, I won't forget. I remember when he told me that he loves her, but he not "in love" with her. Ok. I nod and agree. that is ok i tell myself. Because it is. I mentioned this to jason tonight in conversation and he flipped a shit. It was probably the black man in him...well he IS a black man, but whatever. He told me that he wouldn't tell someone he cared about currently about loving an ex. I mean. We all have love to share. Make love not war, right? ITS OK TO CARE. I feel like him and I got together pretty soon after his ex girlfriend, his love, his everything broke apart.
He wants to move up here. Initially, YES! Think about it, UNEASY. Why am I so worried that I'm just a placeholder for his ex girlfriend? We all have a history. We all have a past. We all have baggage. We are all fucking human. I can go back even on this damn journal and read my past entries. my past "loves," "likes," or "crushes." Why is him feeling for someone else not ok? Cut that shit out, Solange.
I just need to calm down. I need to chill the fuck out. Everything is ok. TRUST. Solange, you must trust. When he tells me what he tells me. He means it. Don't think twice. Stop being so worried. He claims he is a worrier. Oh boy has he met his match.
I just hate that there is distance. I hate that I feel like I am helpless in our relationship because I can't see him, feel him, be around him, anything.
I also realize things are still new. relatively really new. I must be patient and trust.
I don't want to lose something that is this real and good. I'm scared. But I fear that my fear will be the demise of this one good thing.
God, I wish I took my own advice sometimes. I better cut that shit out and get some sense again.
I write about all these bad times. Well, not really "bad times"...all these negative, worried feelings. I have enjoyed a significant amount of time with him. I hope he doesn't grow bored of me. I know I'm not that interesting sometimes. I can be rather lame. I need to become more interesting. Like a well written book. So, he doesn't lose interest. HAHA. I love it how I say this like it's on my "to-do list" for tomorrow. Wow, I am a crazy.
This is what I have concluded as a result of that BABBLE and RANT:
Solange-- CALM THE FUCK DOWN! STOP WORRYING! TRUST! BE HONEST! STOP BEING A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSON!
Alright, I'll work on it. Definitely work on it.
Now onto other things (because I didn't bore you enough with that rant):
OH MAN. I am so uninspired. So fucking uninspired to do this whole schooling thing. I just want to jump right into life. work. life. career. life.
I am so impatient. I am one of the most impatient, stubborn people I know. And I know A LOT of people like that.
[Sidenote] Cameron Diaz looks ridiculous in Being John Malkovich. And I want to watch Human Nature in full one of these days. I love independent films.
Speaking of film, I'm not a film major anymore. Public Relations Baby! My mother would be so pissed to know that I changed it again. But who cares, right? It's not her future. It's mine. I have to be happy with what I'm studying.
Good Conscience. I'm glad we settled that.
I am pretty involved in Troupe, like I mentioned before. I want to run for E-Board. i want to pitch a show for next semester to direct. I want to direct. I pitched a show for one acts this semester. We'll see how that goes.
Spring break is soon. I fly back tomorrow night (since it is 2:23am Friday as I write this). I'm not going to lie. I'm excited, but I'm not. I'm not excited because I'm staying with my mother, the crazy Nazi. She will anticipate all of my attention and give me bullshit that "I don't spend time with my brother," or "We don't do anything as a family." When i will try to introduce Patrick, she will be bitter and judgmental. She will not like the idea of meeting some this soon. I'm scared to have this crazy fuck meet him. I wish my mom were like a normal, nice mother. Accepting. Open. NOT Judgmental. Nice. Y'Know? The Usual. I hate to bring this up, but I will anyways because I clearly don't hate it that much.
I have a lot of friends. They have a lot of mothers (well each of them do heh). Their mothers accept their significant others. They invite them to dinner. They invite them to family events. They don't mind the growth of a relationship. My mother, on the other hand...is crazy and latin.
How did I get to be so lucky?
This whole entry is so grammatically incorrect and the syntax is awful. Welcome to my Brain.
I CONCLUDE THAT I AM A CRAZY PERSON.
THIS WAS COMPLETELY SCATTERBRAINED AND AS IF TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE WROTE IT.
I swear I have no mental issues. I hope.
Good job convincing myself...ONCE AGAIN.
[Old Draft that I found...boring, but whatever.]
"Dang Homie. Long long long long long long time.
I tried the whole actual journal thing. I like it. Don't get me wrong. but I just forget to update it. Since I am ALWAYS on the computer (at least while in school) updating online is a lot easier.
So I plan on starting this up again. I still need to save and print these entries I have so many of em. Damn. What a whiny little shit I am. Anyways.
It's been months. Even months since I updated in my real journal. I've just been so busy. Lots has happened too. It's crazy.
In a nutshell...I love it up here in Boston. I never thought I would say that, but I do. I'm having SO much fun this year! I've been crazy and bad and living it up. So awesome! I pierced my nose, then took it out, and im going to re-pierce it. And I'm planning on getting a tattoo soon. for my 19th birthday. I'm really excited! Yes!
I've made new friends. both boys and girls.
and I've gotten a new, real crush. not the bullshit kind. But it IS kind of bullshit because I know he doesnt like me or wouldnt pursue anything past the physical. which sucks. Damn. "
It's been a while.
Current Music: Being John Malkovich on TV