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16 May 2009 @ 01:38 pm
The last of one of these...this is probably not true.  
The beginning of the positive. I don't want to wallow and be depressed all the time. And I won't be (or try really hard not to be). So here is the sitch:
-I'm hurt and want to put the broken pieces back together.
-Although I am hurt, I love you more than my words can express.
-Because I love you and you say you love me, I want to really FEEL it. I know I'm the pain in the ass that always questions but after the "naked game" incident it makes it hard for those words and the meaning to come back from that.
-I guess what I'm saying is I need a constant reminder. I would like to know and you to tell the world (ESPECIALLY EX [cunty whore] GIRLFRIENDS) who I am to you and how you love me (if that's how you feel). If you are willing to share it with everyone especially people you respect and talk to often it gives me some sort of validation. Your words solely can't do that anymore. They did before...but before you told me you loved me after you asked some skank ho to get naked for you. The words meaning kind of just went down the drain.

That is all. I just want you to go out of your way to let me know. I know you hate being "told what to do" but if you constantly ask "how do I fix it" and I give you ideas of solutions you can't be mad. I just want to be happy with you. I'm not asking that for the rest of the relationship (if we get that far) you must do these things. I just want to feel secure again. Build a foundation of trust and not break it. I want to feel truly loved. If you wonder when those times were...take an hour or two and actually READ through my livejournal. Get to know me. Remember when you wanted to be "friends" and start there in the getting to know each other process...well once upon a time I wrote a lot in my livejournal. Especially throughout this relationship. Take time, maybe an evening, and just read. Let me know your thoughts. I know reading through a teenage girl's journal is not your idea of a good time, but if my words and telling you are annoying (or maybe it's the sound/tone of my voice) my words on screen shouldn't be a problem. I've sat and read through your journal...It's actually helped me understand you. I don't think you realize (even with few words) how you can capture how you feel and make it clear to a reader.

I hope you have a safe trip to China and are able to read this when you land and after you sleep from jet lag, eat for dinner and spend time with family. Please know (like I always say) that I love you. "Love", the word I mean, is such a strong word to me and I do not take it lightly. Patrick, I love you. Despite it all, I love you. I do not think you are a bad person. i just think you don't think and make selfish choices which hurt and would ruin or alter someone's love for you. I just want to go back to the days where you used to solely text me or aim me just to say how you are falling in love with me more and more each day. I want to get that late at night phone call after your night is all done just to say goodnight. I want to know or feel like I'm on your mind. You are always on mine. No matter what I'm doing, who I'm with...you are always on my mind. I know men don't really work that way (thank you "Average American Male") but when I happen to pop up in your mind, drop me a line and let me know. I look forward to you or just hearing from you everyday--it's generally the highlight of my day.

As much as it seems like I was about to end this entry, I want to make some things clear...I'm not sure why I want to do this because you are really the only person that reads this. So the more I think about it, I shouldn't have to make things clear. I shouldn't have to make clear that I am my own person. I make my own choices. I live my own life. I like my own things. I pursue my own goals. I am not nothing without you, but I feel like something special when I'm with you and when you treat me right. I just know that loving and being loved is a wonderful thing and I can genuinely share it with you. I want to genuinely share it with you. and no one else.

Let's be friends. Let's be lovers. Let's be together. I want to be able to call you my best friend. I want to be able to feel like no matter what I do (or you do) it won't be a "make or break" for us.
 
 
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