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13 May 2009 @ 11:19 pm
taken for a constant ride  
After the events of the last three weeks, I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust you. As much as I want to I'm not sure I will. It hurts me. On top of all the other bad shit that has happened throughout the course of this relationship, the straw that broke the camels back and the utter disrespect I've gone through puts the cherry on top on the situation.

I may never get over this. I may never be able to feel like I won't be hurt the way I have been again. I'm not sure what will fix it.
I want to cry, but that's all I do. I want to make this all go away. I wish none of it happened. And to be completely honest I want Katie to suffer a lot. I want you to pain. I want someone to truly experience the amount of utter disgust, disrespect and pain I've experienced. But you don't work that way. You carry on and don't feel. You become numb and just go about your day. I can't do that.

You have no idea what a good person and girlfriend I've been to you. You have no idea. I know we all have our differences. I know I'm not perfect. But My God, I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I don't deserve to be treated like nothing, like disregarded human waste. I know that much. I know I don't deserve that.
Words can't explain how much hurt I still feel. Someone once told me that yes while you did not cheat...the intent was there. while no physical connection was made, the intent was there. while there were only words, utter disrespect was there.

I need to let all of this out. I'm just in a lot of pain.
and to be brash: I hope Katie fucking rots in her own worthless life. She is scum. I fucking hate her and I hate you for what you did to disrespect me when I did nothing to deserve it.

I'm angry and I just want to cry for days on end. I want someone to help me stop crying with more than words. I want to stop crying with promises and action. I want to stop hurting. I want things to change for real and not just to shut me up and have me as a commodity.

I hate that I'm this angry. I wish none of this happened.
I wish I could trust you. I gave you my heart and you took a machete to it.

i'm just angry and hurt. i need someone to truly understand me and WANT to listen. no one does. every one is sick of me and I have no one. I am here in Boston by myself with no one. I can't leave because I have no money to support myself and I need to work two full-time jobs in order to afford living next year on top of school and health. Not to sound emo, but I'm really hate my life right now and I hate everything that has happened to hurt me like this.

I wish i could undo time and go back to my loveless life. I didn't ever hurt like this. call is naive, call it bliss, call it immaturity, call it what you will...I had nothing to lose, especially not my heart.
 
 
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