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08 March 2009 @ 05:34 pm
all things always come crashing down...no matter how hard I try to keep them up.  
I will never be happy. I will never feel comfortable or secure with anyone. It's not my own insecurities...its not that i think I'm not pretty enough or good enough. fuck that shit. It's the constant lies and fabrications that have molded me to think and react the way i do. Even if someone tries to change. Ive become a creature of that routine. I expect the worst always.

I'm going to die a miserable and lonely person, despite how much I've dreamed and wanted a love like the movies. not the ridiculous movies, the ones that show people grow, change and adapt with one another. This will never happen to me.

I'm no psychic but I already know and foresee lots of unhappiness and failure at life. Call me a pessimist. I call me a realist.

I have no one that can tolerate me and that I can be 100% me around. not one single person. sometimes not even myself. I watch what i say and how i say it around patrick with fear that anything i say or do can start an argument and completely alter the mood and feeling of the day or even week or month. I try not to breathe or sigh a certain way indicating anything. I try not to show feelings to anyone that isn't "happiness" or "joy". This isn't just an attack at my relationship with Patrick, this is also in reference to my relationship with my mother. no matter what I do, what I accomplish, how hard I try, how much I try to change in order to create efforts for positive results...nothing changes for the better. If anything it gets worse and worse each time.

I'm going to die living my fairytale life, miserable that it was never achieved and be lonely. I have no faith or hope anymore. I stick it out because I don't want to be the only one fighting anymore. I have no more energy for it. I actually NEED to see that I am cared for. I am considered. I'm stuck in a miserable relationship that just makes me degenerate as a human being. I do love him. More than i've loved anyone. I just can't fight. I can't live in fear of every move or word I make or say could possibly be the end of things. If i care too much, its a problem...then when i tone it down and care at all, its a problem. I can't be my own person who has my own thoughts and opinions or else its me trying to start an argument.

I dont know how to be or act anymore.
he has told me more than once that he doesn't love me. that he isn't happy. that he could be with someone better. he has told me all of this more than once. why am i still around?

I'm a silly bitch. a stupid fool. I honestly deserve all that I get.
fuck my life.
 
 
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