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08 September 2008 @ 04:33 pm
Foolish Little Girl  
I know that I can be insecure. mostly because I have been hurt so often by so many people in all aspects. I tend to put a wall up and be very skeptical about everything. That is not necessarily a good thing. What doesn't help is the fact that I'm in a relationship with someone who does little to nothing to ease that worry. He has told me about his past "record" on his relationships. He has told me about his fuck ups. He has also kept his "friendship" with his ex girlfriend (who so conveniently lives right across the Charles River) a secret to me. He has snuck around when it came to contacting her. He has lied to me and been dishonest. He has made stupid excuses just to see her. I'm sorry...but remind me...Who is he in a relationship with? Just refresh my memory.
On a normal basis I would be about with my boyfriend being friends with their ex's. Shit, a friend is a friend. But when it starts off as a secret...I'm not a fan of that friendship at all. It may have nothing to do with the girl, but my boy is doing a shitty job at making me feel okay with the idea of this friendship.
Since I want to be reasonable, I told him that I wanted to meet her. See them interact. See them together and get the feeling that I have nothing to worry about. I asked him to please figure that out before he started going on his little lunch "dates" or whatever the fucks with her. They tried to plan a lunch and I couldn't go because of a doctors appt. I'm sorry but my health takes precedent over an old fuck. Sorry. I may be selfish but oh well. He makes it difficult and a problem. We fight (story of my life). I simply had ONE request...don't see her until I meet her. That is it. Not hard. Not difficult. Not inconvenient. Shit I have the most flexible schedule especially now. I just want to feel okay. I want to feel comfortable and secure in my relationship. Is that so much to ask? I find out he went to see her about 4-5 days ago. He wasn't going to tell me. I had to ask. I always feel awkward about asking questions about his ex, but I did. He lied to me. He disrespected me. He was hiding things from me. Do you know how awful I felt? I knew he wasn't going to tell me anything because he had the mentality that I would "never find out." I honestly don't feel 100% around him anymore. I don't feel like I could trust him. With this petty and basically insignificantly simple request he couldn't even keep it. He RARELY considers my feelings. How can anyone be in a relationship with someone like that? Honesty and communication are the basis of a good relationship. I do everything in my power to make things work. Why can't he?
I honestly cried for most of the day yesterday. It's not the fact that he went to lunch. Fuck Lunch. I could care less if they went to fucking Bible study. It's the fact that he kept something so stupid and potentially hurtful to me from me. He knew I wasn't comfortable with the idea of the two of them because of all the secrets he kept from me and he certainly fulfilled my fears of him moving up here.
I just want to be okay and very little is happening to ease any of this pain. I don't want to see him for a while. For like a month. or two. He needs to learn to appreciate me. If he doesn't in the time away then its over. I can't live like this. For my own mental sanity and for my own health.

I'm still really hurt. especially because I am so in love with him.
God I feel like a fool.
 
 
Current Mood: disappointedhurt