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16 July 2008 @ 11:04 pm
Epiphanies and low sodium diets  
Yes it's petty. Yes it may be stupid. Yes I let little things bother me. Yes I stress out a lot. Yes I apologize for everything.

The reasons are...I've grown accustomed to that. I've grown up around that and being that way. I've always needed to apologize for everything, even things I know weren't wrong. I was always the center of blame. So it's become habit.

I'm pretty pissed off. at Patrick. It may sound stupid. It probably is. I just hate flaky people. I HATE FLAKY PEOPLE. I hate it when people say yes to definite plans and then blow you off. I HATE THAT. I understand things that are up in the air and something comes up. but laziness is not a legitimate factor that would come up.
What makes me more pissed is he made me feel guilty for changing my flight to leave early. Sure he said "I understand" and Blah blah blah. But it made me feel bad and and made me consider changing it back since I did have the option from my mom. Then he called me fickle. I just won't win. wonderful. Maybe he's right.

but its my fault. I need to start living for me. I'm too stupid and blind and "in love" to do anything with a clear mind. I need approval.and that's wrong. I have too many high expectations for my relationship. I better cut that high expectation shit out because I am just being continuously disappointed.

I want the cute shit. I want the sincere apologies. I want someone to actually try with me and seek me. I want creativity. I want adventure. Basically I'm just asking for too much. Settle for whatever, right? Just take it as it comes. Be happy SOMEONE takes time to notice me once in a while. Take that right?

When we are happy, we are happy. When we fight, I remain pissed for an extended period of time. I just wish I wasn't the way I was. He's only human and I expect too much. I got too serious too quick. I need to care less. and do less. make myself less available. live for me. find happiness elsewhere. The world doesn't revolve around him and mine shouldn't.

I'm just pissed. and slightly hurt. I kind of don't want to see him for a little while. I'm kind of glad I'm going back sooner rather than later. I need time away. Time to do for me.

I wonder how Boston will be with him moving there and all. This should be interesting.
I'm open. I talk my feelings. I tell him that. All I get "I'm sorry you feel that way" Fuck Cosmo and their stupid reasons for guys saying that. FUCK THAT. grow balls and an opinion. I'm really pissed.

I better stop wishing, hoping, and praying for anything. I get little in return.

I'm over exaggerating a bit. I'm just pissed. really pissed off. But it seems that...well wait...let's do the math:
The last seven days we'll call it a week (not a complete monday through sunday week but work with me).
Today--good day overall...had a fun time with Eric at the movies, but Patrick disappointed me (what's new)= BAD
Tuesday--good day/night with Patrick. Relaxing and just what I like.=Good
Monday--Annoyed because of being guilt=ed then knowingly blown off.=BAD
Sunday--Shitty day at home, Patrick comes over and kind of makes me feel like shit because of plans falling through that wasnt my fault and trying to make options that he might rather than staying at my house and watching bullshit home videos=Okay 50/50
Saturday--Stayed home by myself=Whatever
Friday--Decent night with Patrick, made uncomfortable by plethora of ex girlfriends that call his phone...this night being no different (just one called...but it just put my feelings in perspective). I understand he is a friendly guy, but it makes me feel uneasy. Because I know he would hang out with them...and just knowing sexual tension was once there puts a lump in my throat and stomach and kind of makes me want to cry. = Ehh
Thursday--I don't remember=Good i guess...if i can't remember it it prolly wasnt that bad.

4 nights out of the 7 I felt kinda like shit. 4/7=about 57%
So 57% of the time I don't feel my best if we say each week is kind of like that...which it is. We do argue constantly...so let's just generalize and say it is. 57% of the time I am unhappy.
mostly due to my high expectations. I will stop.

Just take it with a grain of salt. If it persists go on a no sodium diet. that is all.
Current Mood: uncomfortableunhappy